How to behave if your apology was not accepted. What to do if a guy doesn’t want to forgive What to do if they don’t want to forgive

I'll tell you a secret - you are not able to offend anyone. You don't control other people's feelings and you can't make someone else feel offended if they don't want it. The expression “you offended me” is pure manipulation. You don't have the power to hurt anyone.

You also cannot make another person forgive you. The only thing you can do is admit that you think your actions were wrong and ask for forgiveness. But whether he forgives you or not is only his choice. If a person wants to be offended, he will be offended. Often this has nothing to do with you at all, because... many are offended by their thoughts and fantasies about you.

Good day. No, no, and sometimes I find like-minded people on the Internet who, just like me, talk about some interesting points and feelings, it would be very interesting to meet and discuss different topics, find out the point of view and find interesting nuances that they notice only those who are attentive and passionate about their own observations of the nuances of behavior or the occurrence of a particular situation and the behavior of people that I personally observe and I myself notice the reason for the behavior of some psychotypes in people with whom I simply communicate in life) According to my observations, I sometimes write notes, sometimes funny , but the result is obvious - I became interested in psychology and, unbeknownst to myself and those around me, I tested some of my observations in practice, and found what I thought were very interesting methods of psychological positive influence on negative moods, habits, and complexes in people. (maybe they are written in textbooks, but I tried to found a method myself that works in relation to my developed methodology, which I will write about a little later.) A practice-tested technique does not offend either interests or personal dignity when a person is under my Through unobtrusive and competent, positive and friendly persistent and tactful communication, he reveals everything that worries a person, what he doesn’t like about himself, what quality prevents him from living and what character needs to be understood. As a result, I found what I called a “method of communicating with my fears and complexes, which negatively affected the overall emotional world with myself and my life’s ups and downs, characters negatively affecting the personality as harmony and a healthy emotional state. Under the negative influence of complexes , stressful situations that are sometimes impossible for a person to cope with, my method (a method based only on my observations, deep analysis and my own conclusions and well-structured communication practices, which I gradually and gradually tested in my personal practice and gave science more one positive and effective method of tactful and productive direct introspection and conversation with the subconscious inner self. Communication using this method is direct and helps the individual to reveal all the qualities that mainly affect character, behavior. qualities that the subconscious hides, but is the original core of impulses for a person’s reactions in one or another new absolutely unexpected difficult life situation. Thus, it determines the first reaction and predicts behavior in general, communication, relationships, actions, weaknesses and strengths, personal qualities and, in general, purely individually and only with a competent psychologist friend and well-wisher can predict the general rhythms of life, qualities and open up for yourself as a person. It was surprising for me when I came to the conclusion how my work has a beneficial effect on people’s destinies, but unceremoniously develops spoiledness and has a negative impact when the psychotype mutates into a negative ball, but transforms the mutations into chameleon qualities, but sooner or later this destroys the personality , which my positive methodology can help and simply saves from the most terrible thing - the loss of one’s own self as an individual, who surrounds himself with a sick, psychologically complex background as an environment of flawed behavior and loss of all moral principles.

Answer

Comment

1. Accept that forgiveness or unforgiveness depends on the free will of the other person, so he may not forgive if he doesn’t want to, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

0". Think about whether you are definitely to blame for the current situation. Maybe it is the result of common efforts or does not have an unambiguous interpretation. In this case, the conflict may be resolved somehow differently, or you are simply being manipulated. I agree with Anna’s idea that You can't offend a person, although you can do something that is obviously unpleasant to him, and sometimes you can do it with full knowledge of the consequences, in which case you can say that you definitely should bear the main responsibility for what happened. But this does not mean that any offense is necessarily justified and is due to the inadequacy of your actions.

Think carefully and determine for yourself what exactly you did that was unacceptable and why you can’t do that. It is very unpleasant when people ask for forgiveness without revaluing anything for themselves, just so that everything becomes as convenient for them again.

Decide never to do this, to the extent that you are able to refrain from such behavior.

Tell the result of your work to an offended person without emotional pressure and manipulation in the spirit of “now let’s forget everything,” “but in general, of course, all this pales in comparison to our love,” etc. Tell him that your relationship is very important to you, and although they have problems, you are ready to work on them; that you care about his feelings, and you did not want and do not want to hurt them; that you do not want this situation to happen again in the future; that you understand that he is very upset.

Ask for his version of events. This is a mandatory point; you may have a completely wrong idea of ​​his feelings and reasons for his reactions. People don't like being told how they feel.

Ask if he accepts your apology and is ready to continue the relationship. These are two different questions; forgiveness in itself does not imply the resumption of relationships. Accept answer. In the case of a negative answer, nothing (except for a direct ban, of course) prevents you from re-entering the conversation after some time, but you should not do it too often; you can aggravate the situation with irritation due to intrusiveness.

A lot depends on the offense. But in any case, it's worth talking. Sincerely, try to apologize, explain the reasons for your behavior, that you are sorry and want to have a good relationship again. Turn off your pride and force yourself to engage in dialogue. The main thing is to calmly, without unnecessary emotions and harsh criticism. Let the “offended” person know that he/she is very dear to you.

Electric shock can be given. Or try to take someone hostage. You can tie it to a chair, and hang a vessel with water on top, from which it will drip drop by drop onto the crown of your head. Better yet, don’t let anyone sleep for three days in a row! Well, how else to FORCE?

Epona-Matryona, the assemblage point in your head must first be corrected! How did shame for what one had done suddenly come into conflict with the desire to force and subjugate to one’s will?

“Ten men can force a donkey to a watering hole, but even a hundred will not force him to drink if he does not want to.”

If on topic, then you need to do the following: (1) calm down the panic and clearly understand that by solving a problem at any cost, you can drive it into concrete hell. (2) we must try to understand quickly enough: the current situation is the bottom, or we are still drowning. If there is no bottom, then we need to eliminate the factors that continue to pull us down. (3) If the bottom is reached, then you can clutch your impatience into a fist and begin to look for a way out, while keeping two things in mind: (A) fast - it doesn’t happen well; (B) how not to lose your Self and not fall under the manipulation of the offended person in attempts to find a way out.

So it goes. life is pain. As long as it hurts, it means it’s alive.

It matters how close you are to each other. If you know a person well, then the levers of pressure are known. Moreover, it is worth understanding who is offended, a man or a woman. The second option is solved with affection.

I think that sometimes it is better not to remind about bad and absurd situations, especially since if the reason for the “offender’s” action influenced and saved the life of another victim, this is no longer a crime, but a feat in a dangerous situation that could have fatal outcome...So before apologizing or defending yourself, making excuses or identifying the culprits, you need to think that in the end everything is fine) Love to everyone and prosperity, happiness, good luck, goodness and a little conscience will not hurt) Just don’t overdo it a deceptive feeling))) Conscience often detrimentally spoils a person’s personal peace of mind and gives the right to those “unjustly offended” to be rude and remind them that ZOMBIE CONSCIENCE is imposed on happy people who deserve well-being and are in their place to the envy of those who never smile from the heart will not rejoice at his own well-being, and therefore ZOMBIE CONSCIENCE has a negative impact on the insidious owners of envy of all successful people)) (Who the hell knows, who sees the hell here when there is so much meaning in this word (To hell is a lot, To hell is that a lot, but horseradish is nothing))) Horseradish is both a seasoning and a plant, horseradish is also the definition of someone who is not clear, when horseradish knows it means that the answer has not been found at the moment. And why the HELL?)) Yes, HELL I’m writing here - is some fuck still reading?))) Fuck knows, who will find what kind of horseradish while the horseradish drink is being drunk with horseradish, and the damn thing is still right - something that shouldn’t continue shitty moments, Fuck everyone offended, how much effort, work, wisdom, good and positive energy, aspiration, cool and worthy of energetically strong positive inner self has been preserved by a person who is not worthless, to fight the crap) And drink a ton of crap so that you don’t get sick of some crap later))) To hell with those who don’t give a damn))) Because some people don’t give a damn) And what the hell is bad)) Horseradish is the root of everything, a hell of a lot of variety and not a damn bad feeling. And therefore, to hell with you - nothing, because there is a lot of crap) Why the hell, without me it’s fucking awesome, but with me, not a damn thing, damn it, I always want everything and so to hell) By DarYAsha with OHRENITELNOGO NI HRENA HRENOVOGO HREN EGO KNOW WHERE EE OHRENENNOGO HRENA OHRENEL ?)))COME BACK TO MY WORLD) AND help me to come back to happy friendship rich and safety kind and wise and best my life))) With people who take me feel OHRENITELNO))) And grab some shit so that to understand that this fucker is my fucker knows when he fucking doesn’t give a damn about my shitty moral state and the shitty situation in life. There's enough of everything to start howling soon without my shit))) It's a hell of a lot))) When I just want a shitload of shit))) The envy of a ZOMBO CONSCIENCE with a shitty attitude towards others. What the hell? Horseradish Horseradish Horseradish)

Marina Filonik, Christian psychologist, psychotherapist, researcher at the Federal Institute for Educational Development.
We are publishing the continuation of her lecture “Resentment: I can’t forgive - what to do”, held at the Church of St. bessr. Cosmas and Damian in Shubin.

What does it mean to forgive?

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh. Photo from the site mitras.ru

Vladyka Anthony of Sourozh in one of his conversations about forgiveness said: “To forgive does not mean to forget; to forgive means to say with compassion, with pain in the soul: “When the Last Judgment comes, I will stand up and say: do not judge him, Lord!”

For me, the topic of forgiveness is a very important idea: forgiveness is not an act, but a process. Because a person often has a requirement associated with forgiveness: I must forgive. But how? An honest person with good self-accountability understands that it is impossible to forgive by an act of will. We know from experience how difficult it is to forgive. We try, we want, but we can't. And it is important to accept this, this is reality.

Forgiveness is a long process. And what matters is whether we are in this process or are we stagnant? Are we stewing in our emotions, in the desire to take revenge, to punish, or do we still want to free ourselves?

Important conditions for forgiveness

I will list some important conditions for forgiveness, some kind of tips on this path, sometimes they can be considered as stages, there will be five of them.

First: honesty. It is important to realize that I am offended, and at least admit it to myself first. It's complicated. There are reasons that prevent us from honestly admitting this to ourselves, I will talk about them in detail below.

Second, oddly enough: the desire to forgive. It seems like everyone has it, but it's not that simple.

Third important condition: trying to understand the other, decentration. To get out of the circle of resentment towards forgiveness, we need to break away from our experiences and think about why the other person did this. In resentment, we are very focused on ourselves: I am poor and unhappy, everyone is against me, what a sufferer I am. And it is very important to shift the focus of attention from yourself to another.

Fourth: what Bishop Anthony of Sourozh said: “do not judge him, Lord.”

And fifth, although not the last thing that can be useful on the path of forgiveness: an attempt to look at the offender, and even better - both at him and at himself - through the eyes of God. It is very difficult to look at ourselves through the eyes of God, because our image of God is distorted; often parental traits are attributed to him: authority, severity, detachment, indifference, etc.

Often in therapy you can hear: “God doesn’t care about me, and who am I that He should listen to me.” And then it turns out, as a rule, that in childhood the mother did not care about this person, she was not interested in him, did not hear, etc. - like tracing paper.

Now let's move on to each of the indicated conditions and talk in detail.

First: honesty and awareness

Vladyka Anthony wrote that to forgive does not mean to forget, “to forgive means to look at a person as he is, in his sin, in his unbearability, what a burden he is for us in life, and say: I will carry you like a cross.” , I will bring you to the Kingdom of God, whether you want it or not. Whether you are good or evil, I will take you on my shoulders and bring you to the Lord and say: Lord, I have carried this man all my life, because I felt sorry for him so that he would not die! Now forgive him, for the sake of my forgiveness!

How nice it would be if we could bear each other’s burdens like this, if we could carry and support each other: not try to forget, but, on the contrary, remember. Remember who has some weakness, who has what sin, in whom something is wrong, and not tempt him with this, protect him so that he is not tempted in the very thing that can destroy him.”

This may be a very high bar, but there is a message in these words that is very important in the topic of forgiveness: we should not try to think that the offender is all such a wonderful and wonderful person. And our forgiveness does not depend at all on its goodness or badness. Whether we forgive or not depends on ourselves.

In the Lord's Prayer we say: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” The key word in our context - “to debtors” means that I admit that evil has been done to me, that I am very hurt, that I may have a lot of anger at the offender and self-pity. I don’t close my eyes, I don’t say that everything is fine, and you didn’t do anything, you’re absolutely wonderful. This will not be true.

If we do not see this, then it prevents us from moving further on the path of forgiveness. One of my friends, who has been offended by her late dad for thirty years, told me a fantastic thing several years ago: “You know, I was recently told that, it turns out, it’s a sin to be offended - well, now I’m not offended.” For me, this is one of those examples when it’s incredibly difficult to be with a person. That is, this is a person who simply radiates resentment with his skin, but does not admit it at all. Doesn't admit it sincerely.

In case of unawareness, non-recognition of one’s feelings, especially anger and resentment, the likelihood of developing psychosomatic diseases increases - in other words, when the soul does not experience, the experiences go into the body, and psychological health also weakens. For the soul there comes stagnation, a dead end, because nothing can be done (I don’t take offense at anyone).

But how can we learn to become more aware of our feelings and resentment? If the offense is fresh, then you can stop, take a freeze frame: “So, what’s happening to me now? I'm offended. I am angry. On whom? For what reason? What exactly irritates me? What exactly offends me? This does not mean that you need to immediately run to the offender for a showdown, but it means that you need to honestly talk everything through with yourself, not necessarily out loud.

A believer can express his feelings or his misunderstanding of feelings in the face of God. And this conversation, even an attempt at it, will be more honest than hypocritical prayers for forgiveness and non-condemnation, if the heart at this moment is full of anger and condemnation.

In the life of Vl. Atony had just such a case: as a child, he was offended by someone, came to the priest and said: “I can’t forgive him - how can I pray? what to do?". The priest replied: “Do not read these words yet: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

Whether it is necessary to talk about your feelings to the offender is a difficult question. There are different circumstances. The offender may be touchy himself, or may not hear anything. But if you decide, speak in the form of an “I message”, do not blame him, but tell him how you feel.

It is important to conduct these conversations in a calm state. If you are now in a passion, in hatred, your fists are clenching, then it is better not to say anything yet.

Second: the desire to forgive (I don’t want this in myself)

The second condition for forgiveness—the desire to forgive—may even seem strange, because it seems like we all want to forgive. But are we always equal to our feelings, our desires? After all, it happens that I don’t want to feel something, but I do. And vice versa.

So if you find that you do NOT want to forgive, do not be alarmed, but separate yourself from your experience. Realize that I am not my offense, nor my sin. My unforgiveness is not who I am. This does not mean that I am an unforgiving person, I am such a walking insult.

Even if I feel that I don’t want to forgive, then this is exactly what can and should be brought to God, let Him do something about it, we ourselves cannot do anything. The heart changes only by grace, that is, only by the action of God - in response to our honesty, sincerity, and humility.

You can honestly say to God: here is my trash, here I am dragging it to you now. Look. But this is not me. Because my truth is that I don’t want this. My whole being resists. I don’t want to be offended, but this trash of mine torments me, and I carry it around and can’t leave it. You should do something with her already.

This important attitude, when we understand that resentment is not my essence, helps us take a step towards liberation. Both psychologically and spiritually, too, because it is not my resentment that goes to meet with God, but I, as a person, carry this basket of resentment, my urn, to prayer, to confession.

This saves you from despair when a person gives up: “I am a garbage dump, there is no forgiveness for me! I am so-and-so!” But this is not true. The garbage dump doesn't go to pray. You, as an individual, will go and carry your trash, praying for deliverance.

“Judge not, lest ye be judged” - we all know. But no one thinks about the fact that don’t judge yourself, too! After all, as I judge myself, I will also judge my neighbor. If I am a trash heap, and he is even worse than me. Vicious circle. So I urge everyone to have a more respectful, value-based attitude towards themselves.

Third: trying to understand the other

Or decentralization. As I already said, experiencing resentment greatly concentrates us on ourselves. And it can be very difficult to go beyond your offended state and look at someone else, especially at someone who does such nasty things to me.

An important thesis to help us, which we need to seriously understand: behind every offense there is a conviction that the other can and should behave differently. The key words are “can” and “should”.

If we try to seriously think about why a person acted this way and not otherwise, think about what happened to him at that particular moment, and be honest, we may doubt whether the person really could have acted differently? To act as we expected of him, based on our own ideas about him, and not on his real capabilities?

But how did he feel at that particular moment when he offended us? Maybe something preceded this? Maybe he was overwhelmed by passion, he was overcome by anger, and that’s why he began to scream? What motivated him? What was the motivation? A conscious desire to harm me or...

If he spoke in anger, then everyone who himself spoke in anger knows how difficult it is to stop here, because you simply do not understand anything. It’s not for nothing that they say: anger carries a person. Pay attention to the phraseology: there is not even a subject left here. In this state, we ourselves do things for which we later become ashamed. And when we come to our senses, we sober up, we think - what have I done? For what?!

It is no coincidence that I now ask you to turn to your experience, because if we remember similar moments about ourselves, then we will be able to better understand our offenders.

If you manage to realize this, then almost 90 percent of the grievances go away. But it is very difficult to take into account the motives of another person when we ourselves feel bad, and even through his fault. It seems obvious that if a person cannot, he should not. But we often are not even interested in whether he can or not. We immediately demand: you must, you don’t do it - I’m offended at you.

Or, on the contrary, you do something bad, but you should have done something good - I’m offended by you. But let's think: we, too, often cannot do what others expect from us, and even what we would like from ourselves.

Therefore, this requires very serious psychological work with yourself, when you can take some of your grievances and try to look closely at someone else, at the one you are offended by, to figure out how he really could have done it differently or should have done it differently .

I know examples of how people began to do this in a situation of some kind of grievance with the help of a psychologist, and then learned to do it on their own, that is, this is a mechanism quite accessible to us.

Fourth: Forgiveness in the Context of Eternity

Our parishioner Tatyana Ryabinina said at one of the visiting conferences: “forgiveness is natural if you think about death.” Of course, there is the truth of our pain, there is sometimes some kind of unbearability, an inability to bear another person, he has caused so much evil - a nightmare.

But if you manage to think about how to place your view in the context of eternity - not in the context of our relationship with him now, but in the context of eternity, when both he and I come to God, and... what then? Am I really going to say to God on the threshold of eternity: “You know, he did all this to me – please take this into account there, please”? What will happen to my heart when we reach this point?

These are such matters that, of course, it’s not easy for me to talk about it, but at the same time, all this is so important in our topic. Here such an existential truth is revealed, if we can look at those people who offend us this way.

A memory can also help here: did I have anything good associated with this person? After all, we most often get offended by the people closest to us, by those who are especially dear to us, and there are reasons for this, why this happens. We hold grudges against those we love dearly, and sometimes it can be helpful to simply shift my attention from dwelling on the bad stuff to remembering something good I have about it.

This logic of expanding the field of view is very important. Because resentment greatly narrows the field of vision. In resentment, a person sees only, in essence, himself, his pain and the other as evil. There is such a narrow-mindedness. And it is important to open your eyes, expand your view and then understand that yes, there is bad, but actually there is also good.

From this expanded logic, it is easier for us to understand why a person behaved this way with us, that he is not a clear walking evil, just as I am not a walking garbage dump. And maybe such a look, here in this world, will help us someday, following Vl. Anthony, to say: “Do not condemn him, Lord!”

Fifth: look at man through the eyes of God

And not only on another person, but also on yourself. But here we touch on a very important and difficult topic: the distortion of the image of God in ourselves. Usually this is a transfer of ideas about the parent. The way my parents treated me is how I believe God treats me.

Therefore, there is also the question of whose eyes I look at. The question is serious. If so, strictly speaking, to technologize, this method is not suitable for everyone. After all, if I have a serious distortion, then I will not look through the eyes of love.

But you can try: in the practice of prayerful reflection, in particular, before the cross, remembering Christ, who spoke from the cross about forgiveness, you can try to look at those who have offended us. You might think: how does the Lord look at me now, when I am tormented with my resentment, with my inability to forgive and come to His cross?

But let’s say the steps are completed and the resentment is gone. The person is calm, but at the same time does not want to maintain a relationship with the former offender. Does this mean that it was not possible to forgive completely?

It happens that it didn’t work out. But it happens that you have forgiven, but trust in the person has been undermined so much that you do not want to close the distance. You chose for yourself the degree of intimacy with this person that you considered safe for yourself, you have the right to this. Making peace does not always mean becoming friends again, even if there was a previous friendship.

The topic of trust is related to forgiveness, but it requires a separate discussion. Families often experience similar things when one of the spouses experiences betrayal. Each forgives the other, but then cannot believe. He wants to, but he can’t. There is no way to regain trust. Something is broken in the soul, and we cannot restore it. And here, again, you cannot deceive yourself and force the process. Neither in the case of spouses, nor in the case of friends.

For now, the truth is that you may no longer be angry or feel resentful, but you also don’t want to communicate. If we are not talking about the spouse with whom you live in the same apartment, why is it necessary to communicate? If the wounds have not yet fully healed? Maybe there is a fear that it will hurt again. And the protection works. The main thing is to take it calmly. Now - like this. And then - time will tell.

Insight

Our conversation today gave me the idea that behind touchiness lies, oddly enough, a low-value attitude towards oneself. I will try to explain why a person who is often offended is a person with a deficit of self-worth.

There is a well-known law: how I treat myself is how I treat others. And, as a rule, if I have a lack of self-acceptance, a lack of love for myself, a lack of value towards myself, then this is one of the deepest reasons for resentment. Behind the touchiness is the need to be rushed around me all the time, to prove that I exist, I am good, I am needed, there is something to love me for and that I am loved.

And if a person does not hear such confirmations, or if they are not enough for him, he will always find a reason to be offended. Because without constant confirmation, his world collapses, and he, as a person, as a person, disappears. Therefore, touchiness signals codependency, strong dependence on another.

Here I would like to give a short quote from Silouan of Athos. Not literally, but the meaning of his statement: “How well the king’s son lives, he doesn’t need to worry about anything, his father is the king, he lives in the royal mansion, to his pleasure, everything he wants, everything is done here. Now, if a person trusted the Lord, he would also feel like the son of a king. And we feel like stepchildren.”

That is, in the topic of resentment, the problem of identity arises: who am I? Including in your relationship with God. So we pray: “Our Father,” we say that God is our father. But if He is the father, then I am the daughter. Sinful, but beloved, because God has no unloved ones. There are those who do not love God or do not know about His love.

If we are Christians, and we know that we are children of God, then we have no problem with identity, in a sense: we are children of God. And if I am the daughter of the Tsar, then why should I be offended? Who can offend me?

And if I am an orphan, or a daughter, or it is unclear who, then the topic of identity is open and there is always room for grievances. Therefore, the issue of identity in the topic of resentment is basic.

To summarize our lecture, we can say: the feeling of resentment can be learned to be controlled in some sense. The main thing is to start with the smallest steps, without expecting big results from yourself right away. Don't think that just because you have a five-step plan that you've found the antidote to resentment.

If our grievances last for years and decades, we will not be able to free ourselves from them in a month or two. We need to get ready for serious and long-term work. Remember that resentment is a childhood habit that can be overcome.

- So you say you forgive me?
- Yes, I forgive you. Why do I need a load of big grievances?
- And even the fact that he...
- Forgive me!! Let him be happy. No offense.
- You know, he broke up with her recently,
He suffers, even drinks a lot...
- A! There is justice in the world!
Let him find out how I can be alone!
- And she said that she forgave...
- Did you say?

(Marina Alexandrova)

Well, did you recognize yourself? Admit it to yourself. After all, you know that you need to forgive, that you shouldn’t carry grievances with you, but...

This is a huge BUT... Does not work!!

It happens that you are sure that you have forgiven, let go of the past, in general, the thirty-third stage of your life is already underway after that offense and it seems that everything is over.

But someone talks about how everything is going well for the offender and a voice quietly squeaks inside: “well, yes... let it be so, but somehow it’s not fair... or even here he jumped over me, what kind of aunt am I.”

Why is it so hard to let go of resentment?

If it’s so hard for us to part with resentment, then for some reason we need it.

It pays to be offended

This way you can explain your current situation: especially if “as a child they offended me so defenseless.”

Now I can’t cope with beliefs and attitudes, or maybe injuries.

This can explain why you don’t do something - “well, I got burned, try it yourself.”

You crave justice

Justice implies that something is deserved or undeserved, something is good and something is bad. That is, there is an assessment.

Evaluation is always a comparison. Even the highest grade “excellent” implies, at the very root of the word, difference from someone or something.

Justice is a strong thing, because it is instilled in childhood.

The confusion in my head about this is strong, because words and deeds in matters of justice often disagree, from parents to bosses.

But it is the concept of justice that allows us to be offended and even justify our not the best manifestation. We give ourselves permission do what you are offended for.

For example, an offended person calmly discusses “this radish that dared to throw all sorts of dirt at me,” not much different from this very “radish” at that moment.

But we allow ourselves to do this because it is towards the offender.

Every offense is unique

The uniqueness of the offense is the biggest problem.

Even very spiritual people constantly claim to be unique. But not for uniqueness, which will finally teach you NOT TO COMPARE, that I AM SO and I cannot be like others a priori!

And the uniqueness of the experience. There are so many recipes and methods of forgiveness written here, and there will always be those who write about their SPECIAL pain and resentment.

“It’s easy for you to say, you haven’t experienced this.”

Moreover, it often happens, as in the parable about choosing “His Cross,” in which a man prayed that his cross was unbearable and he was invited to heaven to choose any other.

He chose the smallest one and went, hearing the laughter of the angels behind him: “He chose his own.”

Algorithm for forgiveness of grievances

1. Acknowledge the resentment

The awareness that there is resentment: sometimes obvious, sometimes old things suddenly come out.

Tracked by personal reaction to information about old offenders (see epigraph).

2. Release your anger

Anger, the desire for justice - this must be released.

Recognize and allow yourself be a bastard too for a minute, wishing all the hardest on the offender.

The “pebble” technique helps a lot here. Find a stone (the image of the offender), go away from people, reprimand or even shout everything to this stone and throw it away, preferably into a pond.

3. Understand that everything passes.

Understand that everything passes... well, absolutely everything passes!

Go to the cemetery and make sure everything goes well. This reduces the significance of any problem, calms emotions and increases awareness.

Resentment is no longer something that eats you up from the inside and sometimes even jams your brains, but simply problem to be solved... preferably to the cemetery.

4. Look for the jewel

Understand that in every painful situation there is a Pearl of Wisdom.

And YOU, exactly you, needed it. It’s not this bastard who ruined your life, but for some reason you his "asked" teach you something.

What helps me write is the so-called I'm a rolling coup: Write all your complaints without embarrassment or choice of words.

"He does not love me. He's kidding me! How could he say such a thing!” and immediately rewrite it, replacing “He” with “I”.

“I don’t love myself, I mock myself...” So it is possible see what the lesson is.

5. Acknowledge but let go of self-resentment.

Here the most unpleasant thing appears - blaming yourself for allowing THIS to happen in your life, for causing the situation to happen...

That is, resentment towards your loved one, which means dislike for yourself, which is already sad. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do because there is no one else to blame.

This is where you just remember your uniqueness (and not the uniqueness of the situation), your unique experience and path on this planet, and by any means return love to yourself.

Accept yourself, everything you have done. No self-flagellation. Well, I ruined the wood, so let everything burn with a blue flame - maybe it will become warmer.

6. Write a letter of forgiveness

Works well when a memory suddenly comes flooding back. We grab a piece of paper and a pen and write:

• I'm very sorry that...
• forgive me for...
• I thank you …
• I love you.
• I forgive myself!
• I accept myself!
• I approve of myself!
• I'm letting myself go!
• I love me!

If necessary, we shout out what is written with all the covering emotions. At least 50 times!

7. Abandon the concept of fairness at ANY level.

Avoiding mistakes - expecting justice.

Even if we understand everything and honestly try to forgive the offender, then deep down we hope for justice and not at the level of a simple 3D world, but at the spiritual level.

Now I’m already a level higher, a magician and wizard, and he’s floundering there in the 3D world, and even if everything is fine on the outside, then I know that everything will return to him energetically...

Funny?.. but it’s true. Admit it.

Better thank the one who offended - his soul had to show itself not in the best light in order to teach you.

8. Forgiveness of offense as a vital necessity, even without understanding with the mind

Try to imagine that resentment - this is a stab...even if not in the heart, but, for example, in the palm.

The wound bleeds and hurts. She was stabbed by a knife.

And instead of taking action to stop the bleeding and treat the wound, you turn your anger towards the knife. Even after throwing it in a bucket, you continue to remember and regret that they did not throw him into the smelting furnace.

With every memory the wound bleeds.

Well? Will we bleed and continue to convince ourselves that you have the right to this and something about justice?

You have a breakdown in the flow of energy, you need to repair and adjust, but the knife still doesn’t understand why so much is being put on it - it was actually minding its own business.

By the way, it would be a good idea to actually designate some knife (pin, etc.) as the image of your offense and throw it away.

So to speak "to say goodbye-to say goodbye". Forgiveness has taken place.

Effective method free yourself from the negative influence of the past for your current life - master class by Alena Starovoitova.

Write a new, successful and happy script for your life.

P.S. Forgiveness..

I forgive you, him, someone. And on what basis?

This person is worse than you, and you are more “divine” than him, so that you can forgive?..

If you forgive a person a monetary debt, then you release him from obligations towards you.

It seems clear. That is, forgiving, we release from obligations.

WHAT? Who has obligations? The Universe, which was “unfair”, had. The person who was obliged?

Who is obliged, who decided that he is obliged? ... If you look from this angle, then we don’t have such a right - to be offended and forgive.

You have made a stupid mistake in your life and now you are extremely guilty before your guy. Yes - you realized the depth of your guilt, yes - you apologized, yes - you burst into tears, and yes - you wrote him a hundred SMS messages. But he does not react in any way to your pleas for forgiveness. Is it really possible that wherever you kiss him, there will be a “fifth point” everywhere?

Or maybe you're doing something wrong? Or have you spoiled a man’s soul so much that he doesn’t want to know you? Or are you just rushing things?

Let's try to understand his psychology, find out the depth of your guilt and clarify how much you realized it. And only then will we find out what can be done to make the guy forgive you.

Maybe it's not about you, but about his character?

There are such capricious men who behave worse than whiny women - they make a tragedy out of everything and after that they are offended for a very long time. If you don’t know your boyfriend well, and he bucked for the first time because he was offended by you without the desire for further communication, then be careful! Especially if the quarrel was very trivial.

Well, here's an example scenario: you were late for a date and didn't warn him about it. Of course, he didn’t wait for you and left. You call - ignore, write - ignore. On the tenth call, he still deigned to answer and said that he didn’t like your carelessness and unpunctuality, and you should move away.

No, a little later he found the strength to forgive you, but he did it with such a sour look, as if he had swallowed a lemon. But your next mistake brought his quirk back. And again you call, ask for forgiveness and cry.

If you constantly show such weakness at every little thing, then this is what awaits you in the future:

You will surround yourself with complexes and begin to be afraid of everything. You'll check a hundred times to see if your phone is connected - what if it rings and the battery is dead! Will you control your every word - what if he finds a hint of negativity in some phrase spoken? You will even be frightened by your own behavior - after all, a step to the right, a step to the left will be punishable by moral execution.

He will behave like a usurper. Yes, he will find a half-hint in your phrase, consider any of your behavior immoral, and will generally start a huge scandal for turning off your phone. His goal is to train you to be an obedient Bug so that he can easily manipulate you. And he is also flattered by your running after him.

You will always be the outsider, and he will be “with the crown on the throne.” He will be allowed everything, but you will not. He will find a logical explanation for his sins and mistakes, and will also weave your guilt into them. Such men are dangerous because they flirt and become tyrants who can easily beat their wife.

If you don’t know this person well yet, and he is already showing his obstinate character, bordering on stupidity, then stop begging him for forgiveness. If you are dear to him, he will change tactics, and if not, then you are doomed to be his slave. Therefore, run away from him before you are head over heels.

If a guy can't forgive cheating

Apparently, you are eager for forgiveness without delay. Love does not tolerate betrayal, even accidental. And when the betrayal is still fresh, “bleeding”, then there is no need to beg for forgiveness instantly, throwing a hysteria with a showdown, this is more likely to infuriate than make you think.

Pride, insincerity, an attempt to “crush” a partner under oneself, making him guilty, will lead nowhere. And if you also disdain the help of relatives and friends who are trying to reconcile you, then what do you want?

A person who is offended by you wants to see your sincere feelings and awareness of how wrong you were. A normal guy, and not a monster, will not spread rot on you with your “joint”; on the contrary, his heart will thaw if the repentance was from the heart.

But if you were forgiven once, but you still didn’t understand anything and you step on the same rake, hoping that your “jamb” will slip through a second time, then don’t blame me! They really don't want to contact you anymore.

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns your soul, clouds your eyes, and prevents you from thinking soberly? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life...

And again this pain! The heart is compressed, it’s hard to breathe, the pulse is pounding in the temples, and the question is in my head: Why? Why is a loved one so cruel and unfair to me, capable of hurting me, offending me, insulting me, betraying me? After all, I go to him with all my heart! I'm ready to give my life for him! How to learn to forgive and let go of grievances?

Resentment is a very powerful negative emotion. It fetters and immobilizes a person, as if with chains, and does not allow one to live normally and breathe deeply.

It is especially difficult to feel resentment towards loved ones, because with them we are as open as possible, we experience boundless trust, we do not expect a trick and we find ourselves vulnerable. It is not easy to forgive an offense when pain tears your heart, and your mind does not find the slightest justification for the words and actions of loved ones.

We have heard thousands of times that you need to be an intelligent and wise person, be able to forgive each other, learn to forget the past in order to live joyfully and well. But for a person who is captive of grievances, all these are just empty words that sound like mockery.

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns your soul, clouds your eyes, and prevents you from thinking soberly?

There is a lot of advice on the topic “how to forget an insult”, all sorts of techniques that promise to acquire the ability to let go and forgive. Some try to read affirmations, some, in a Christian way, obediently turn the other cheek for a blow, and some believe that it is best to erase the offender from your life, breaking off all relations with him.

Unfortunately, in practice these methods do not always work or only help for a short time. And in the next critical situation, old grievances flare up or new ones flare up, poisoning life with bitterness and disappointment. And it’s not possible to run away from everyone, because often we are offended by the people closest to us - spouses, parents, our own children.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life.

Psychology of resentment and forgiveness. How it works?

It would seem that no one is familiar with the feeling of resentment, because life does not skimp on injustice and even loved ones can be angry and cruel, self-centered, do not remember goodness, and do not appreciate what we do for them.

But in fact, not everyone thinks so, but only those who really tend to be offended.

Touchiness is not a disease, not a curse or a bad habit, but a feature of the psyche inherent in a certain type of people - owners of the anal vector.

These people have a keen sense of justice. Any imbalance in one direction or another causes them a feeling of deep discomfort.

The owners are people of honor, fighters for justice and equality, they are straightforward and simple-minded and expect the same in return.

For them, a special value is family, smooth, stable relationships based on mutual respect and trust. For the sake of his family, such a person is ready to sacrifice a lot. But it is very important for him to feel that his loved ones will truly appreciate it.

Not receiving, in his opinion, worthy confirmation of his merits, respect and praise, a person becomes offended, experiences pain and disappointment. And the phenomenal memory given to him by nature plays a cruel joke on him. Instead of collecting and storing important information, gaining valuable experience and passing it on to next generations, he begins to accumulate his grievances, remembering every situation, every word, look, deed that caused pain.

In most cases, people do not deliberately seek to offend us, cause pain and suffering. It’s just that we are all different and by nature possess properties and desires that determine our character, our reactions and behavior, our perception of the world and other people.

It follows that those around us go through life guided by their own desires, values ​​and priorities, which are different from ours.

Because of this difference of interests, all sorts of disagreements and misunderstandings arise, giving rise to resentment, quarrels, and conflicts.

Not knowing how the human psyche works, we look at the world and other people through the prism of our desires and needs. We expect people to treat us the way we would like them to, or the way we behave towards them. When we don’t get what we want, we get upset, worried, upset, and a person with an anal vector gets offended.

Since our maximum expectations are aimed at the people closest to us, those to whom we devote all our time, attention, and energy, they most often become the cause of resentment.

People who need to learn to forgive, because you can’t just take them and tear them out of your heart, erase them from your memory, these are ours -

parents, especially mother,

spouses or loved ones,

children.

How to forgive those closest to you? Mother

The dearest person who gave us life is our mother. And we owe her an enormous debt. In the life of a person with an anal vector, mother plays a special role. Mom is not just a family, a person who provides comfort and care, giving a feeling of security and safety, she creates a connection between generations, is a bridge connecting the owner of the anal vector with such a valuable and dear past. His first life experience and the ability to build relationships with other people are connected with it.

It so happens that the mental properties of mother and child coincide. This means that when she looks at her child through her value system, through the prism of her desires, she will not have internal contradictions and problems with the child. And he will feel comfortable in the family.

And vice versa, if the mother has, for example, then she has the opposite properties. She is flexible, knows how to do everything quickly by nature and can start pushing her baby, tugging, rushing, expecting quick results from him where he needs time to think or adapt to a new situation.

The child becomes stressed, his reactions slow down even more, it is difficult for him to concentrate, and most importantly, it is painful and insulting because his beloved mother does not understand his condition, does not feel the discomfort he is experiencing, does not come to help, but, on the contrary, demands the impossible. The situation is aggravated if she also does not notice the efforts and efforts of her baby, forgets to praise and appreciate the results of his work.

The child's soul is in turmoil, resentment creeps into it, which the child does not even realize and cannot admit to himself. After all, mom is a person whom he considers holy, infallible. How can you forgive and let go of an offense if a person is not even aware of it? He carries it within himself constantly, the resentment affects his entire life, grows and multiplies.

The owner of the anal vector tends to generalize the events that happen to him. He will project his first bad experience with his mother onto other people: “What can you expect from others if your own mother doesn’t understand, doesn’t appreciate, doesn’t praise.”

Understanding the nature of your mother’s psyche, her desires, character traits, conditions that influenced her life, gives an understanding of the reasons why she behaved this way.

She did everything that she considered right and necessary, that was in her power and corresponded to her essence. It was not her fault that she did not understand either herself or the child.

When awareness comes, then the question of forgiveness is exhausted. We don't let go of the grudge - it lets us go.

How to forgive a loved one? Couples relationship

A similar scenario plays out in relationships with spouses and loved ones. According to the laws of nature, people with different properties and qualities are most often drawn to each other. On the one hand, this is historically justified, because such partners, complementing each other, create a stable couple capable of surviving and raising offspring. On the other hand, differences and discrepancies in interests, desires and values ​​often cause misunderstandings and lead to conflicts, quarrels and resentments.

For example, a woman with an anal vector prefers a leisurely pace of life and home comfort; she is crystal honest and devoted to her husband. But the skin partner needs movement, novelty of sensations, a change of scenery, and in the absence of fulfillment at work, he may seek change in the form of flirting on the side. By cheating he plunges his wife into the abyss of suffering and pain.

How can you forgive a person and free yourself from resentment if he broke your heart? There can be no talk of forgiveness! Resentment towards a man digs into the heart like a thorn, does not allow one to live, and thirsts for revenge. Nothing brings relief. Relationships turn into a complete nightmare, into an endless series of insults and accusations, pain and disappointments. If a family breaks up, bad experiences are recorded for life, forcing each person to be seen as a potential traitor and traitor.

By understanding yourself and your partner, you can learn to build qualitatively new relationships based on mutual trust and respect for each other’s differences. What is small to us can mean a lot to someone we love. If you remember this, it’s no longer difficult to turn off the light behind you, close the tube of toothpaste, or put your slippers back in place. We stop against act, let's start mutual act, move towards each other, thanks to which all possible reasons for misunderstanding and resentment disappear from life:

How to forgive and let go of resentment? Children

Children are of particular value to the owner of the anal vector. It is important for him to give them the best, to raise them to be good people, to instill time-tested traditions, to teach them everything that he himself can do. He is confident that he is right and wants to be the best parent for his child. He tries to maintain his undeniable authority in the eyes of children and become an example for them. And that is why they are so painfully worried, angry, offended when they are in no hurry to be like their father, follow his advice, follow in his footsteps.

How can you learn to forgive your children and let go of resentment when their behavior runs counter to their parents’ ideas about life and contradicts their wishes?! A parent with an anal vector expects obedience, respect, and honor from children, and what does not meet his expectations is perceived as negative, incorrect, hostile, causes misunderstanding and gives rise to resentment.

It is very important to understand that we look at our children through ourselves, we try to impose on them our views, habits, interests, our perception of life - when their perception may be radically different from ours.

Not knowing how the psyche works, not realizing the differences between their properties and the desires of their children, despite all the love and good intentions, parents often make mistakes, preventing their children from growing and developing correctly, building their lives.

Children are not at all like their parents. They have different desires and aspirations, and they live in a different time. What filled us with joy and pleasure in childhood is no longer able to satisfy the needs of our children. What we could only dream of has long become a familiar reality for our children. The world is developing rapidly, and with it the volume of desires, which are the “engine”, the key to development and movement forward, is increasing.

By understanding our true needs, desires and the differences between our children and us, we can help them develop their natural talents and abilities, succeed in life and become happy.

How to learn to forgive and let go of grievances: results

Gives knowledge about the structure of the psyche, about what motivates us and the people around us. Helps, false beliefs, unrealistic expectations, teaches you to perceive people as they are.

We don’t get offended by our beloved cat because she doesn’t sing like a nightingale, and our faithful dog can’t fly, just as we stop being offended by people because they don’t have certain qualities.

The ability to forgive and let go of grievances is developed along with the skill of thinking systematically. A new worldview gives the ability to adequately perceive oneself and other people, understand the motives of their behavior, anticipate and manage one’s reactions.

There is no longer any need to accumulate and multiply your grievances, suffer or hatch plans for revenge; it is better to direct your energy to something important, interesting, useful - to study “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»