Resentment, how to get rid of grievances and the habit of being offended. How to get rid of resentment How to get rid of resentment

I think this article will help many people sort out their grievances. Resentment is something I know firsthand. Resentment is my usual state; I was born with it (and maybe even earlier).

Resentment is:

Always a reaction to a situation, always negative.

Powerlessness, making oneself look weak.

You hide the shortcomings that you don’t want to admit in yourself (and when you notice or point out, here is where the RESULT is ready, as a defensive reaction)

Deceived expectations (and don’t expect, then you won’t be deceived!)

Not a creative position, wait-and-see, passive (the offender will come and ask for forgiveness, or compensate, do something, pamper me, feel guilty next to me... endless options)

You put yourself as the consequence, and the offender as the cause, you give control over yourself, i.e. someone influences your state, mood (you have already lost if you are offended).

Limiting contact (do not communicate with the offender) Any restriction of contacts

This is a LIMITATION, you can lose a lot, miss a lot.

Self-isolation, narrowing, reduction, degradation, non-development (there is no contact, bad mood, lousy thoughts... ad infinitum).

Revenge on oneself, for the mistakes of others (not invented by me, borrowed)

An attempt to influence another with one’s condition, an attempt to put pressure on him (and this is already manipulation of a person, does not pass without a trace)

Demonstration of your dissatisfaction (no matter what). (What signals you emit into the universe, you receive back, there will definitely be more reasons for dissatisfaction). But we are offended! We don’t think about this “trifle” thing.

The state of expecting something and not receiving it. Don't wait! Be free from this. Learn to accept any result (especially a different one! :))

A distorted understanding that someone owes you something, you waited and didn’t receive it (Standby mode is a bad thing, waiting and catching up is nothing worse! :)

You carry a load of negative emotions with you all the time, like a bucket of unfermented poop, and there is no way to get rid of it. You constantly stir with a stick so that, God forbid, it doesn’t settle down and you offer to smell it to others (when you tell them how bitterly they offended you)

Self-isolation (rarely does anyone really want to free themselves). And this is a ready-made program or psychological block, which joins an already considerable group of similar programs, compacting and making this “cute” lump more dense.

These are tears, wrinkles, drooping corners of the lips, a mask of grief on the face. (Beauties - why do we need such unattractive makeup?:)

This is a pose: I’m offended, that’s what I am!

An unconstructive state, there is no desire to change or improve anything.

Always!!! YES YES!! ALWAYS! Inappropriate reaction to the situation!

What is resentment?

Resentment is not flight, it is a low, uncreative state. What great or simply good can be created while in it? Same poop.

Resentment makes you

Weakened, powerless (after all, he transferred control over himself and his condition to the offender).
- Deprived, because there is a feeling that you were not given something, deprived, passed over...) Calm down, my friend, soon this will happen in life. It will be given according to your thoughts.
- Flawed, powerless (you sit and delve into your grievance, but what are you really doing? Nothing!) You give signals to the universe, and then you receive back. Are you surprised??

What does resentment do?

Clogs your space (with nasty thoughts, worries, accusations...)
- introduces inharmonious vibrations into your field, which spread further from you like a stench).
- makes you sick (and not just in the head :)) actually, blocks accumulate in the organs (in the liver, or what? - there is an opinion that it even leads to cancer.
- lowers your emotional tone (with all the consequences...)

Where do the legs of resentment grow from?

Probably from childhood, perhaps I once managed to get what I wanted in this way. As a rule, this game does not work with a conscious person. Or copied behavior, perhaps a force-imposed program.

Those who take offense are great cunning people! They know very well who can be offended (the lower terminal, who can be influenced by it, who can respond to it...) and who can’t (the higher terminal, the weather, the leg of a chair, if a cat gets caught... the moon, the sun, the rain, even if it gets wet ).

And so, resentment has appeared, what to do with it?

Realize it. Yes, I was offended, “there is such a letter in this word”
. Look for inadequacy in yourself, ask questions honestly and also answer honestly (after all, no one will hear to yourself, your loved one, you can! :):
· What exactly hurt? (Intonation, words, appearance, posture, actions...)
· Why?
· Did you have a similar feeling before?
· Under what circumstances (people, situations, place...)
· Where in the body is it found?
· What does it look like?
· How long can I be offended?
· How strong?
· What will my resentment give me?
· What benefits can it bring?
· How can it harm?
· What do I want to achieve by being offended?
· Why does it benefit me to be offended?
· How often do I get offended?
· For what exactly?
· On whom?
· What do you want to do in response (What feats do you want to do - punch your face, quietly shit, call names, hide, take revenge, forgive, laugh?)
· When do I get offended?
· Who in my family is offended? And from your acquaintances? And from those who I like, like, from whom do I take an example?

WOW HO! How much you can learn about yourself!!! You can come up with your own questions, family, friends, interesting ones.

What can you do about RESULT?

— Play (make it smaller, make it bigger, move it, paint it, shape it... Imagine it yourself!)

- rhyme - resentment-libido, aikido...)

- make friends, take them for a walk, to the cinema, to the store, on a string like a dog :)

- write down all the grievances in life in a beautiful notebook, design a beautiful album.

- write a dedication to her, an ode, declare your love, tell how pleasant and sweet it is to pick her apart, blame someone else, drown in her, etc. Fantasize yourself!

- communicate beautifully: in front of the mirror, pout your lips, lower the corners of your lips, eyes up, down - in short, play, create!

- play with intonation: saying with different accents “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “THE RESULT IS EATING ME, I gnaw at the insult”
- play with the pose. Leg to the side, head lowered, belly stuck out, tail tucked :)

- imagine that you are filming a movie, in front of the camera.

- Come up with 5 (10.15...) ways you can do more: to be offended, to offend someone else, not to be offended, to make peace, etc. There are no limits to imagination. Create it yourself.

Constructive approach:

Again questions and answers
What exactly do I not like?
What can be done in the future to prevent such a situation from arising?
How to defuse the situation with minimal losses?
How did I provoke such behavior and reaction through my actions (inaction) and thoughts?
What reason did I give to others to do this?
How can we improve our relationship?
How to transform the energy of resentment into creative energy?

Reading time: 6 minutes.

When someone wrongs us, we must write it in the sand so that the winds can erase it. But when someone does something good, we must carve it in stone so that no wind can erase it. Resentment

When someone wrongs us, we must write it in the sand so that the winds can erase it. But when someone does something good, we must carve it in stone so that no wind can erase it. Resentment is a serious obstacle to attracting happiness. Resentment is evil, resentment destroys both body and soul. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, old grievances continue to live and accumulate, periodically surfacing and poisoning your life? And, even realizing that the offender has long forgotten about everything or simply died, it happens that we still suffer and experience the offense again and again. Resentment can develop into hatred that blurs the eyes. Under no circumstances should you be offended for a long time, whether at yourself or others. For by being offended, we harm our beloved self. Instead of enjoying life, we cry and feel dissatisfied with ourselves or others. And a heavy load of grievances makes itself felt - in the form of nervous breakdowns or diseases such as pressure changes or heart problems. In the worst case scenario, cancer is possible. Resentment seems to protect our pride. But it also gives rise to feelings such as anger, hatred, vindictiveness, ambition, and aggressiveness. If you do not forgive, a person continues to relive his grievances, which only grow with new and new experiences, becoming the main reason for failure in life. Therefore, dear friends, learn to forgive. Clear yourself of emotional trauma by opening your heart to positive emotions and feelings.

Why can't you forgive?

This is a kind of defense mechanism of the psyche. Forgiveness is not a very pleasant procedure. To forgive the offender, you need to remember the difficult situation and survive it. Avoiding painful memories, we try not to think about them, hiding them in the back of our minds. Only by forgiving can you be a truly happy person.

How to forgive an insult?

Everyone agrees on one thing - if an offender appears in a person’s life, then this does not happen just like that, undeservedly. This means that for some reason we need to go through this difficult and painful lesson, learn to love regardless of circumstances, learn to forgive and change something in ourselves. Forgiveness is, first of all, internal work on oneself, rethinking the situation, and a willingness to free oneself from resentment. Forgiveness is necessary not for the offender - it doesn’t matter whether it’s a person close to you or a complete stranger - but for you. The path from resentment to forgiveness begins with desire. Yes, dear friends, you need to want to forgive, and do it from the heart, sincerely. A person who has forgiven no longer has stress and worries; he is able to let go of grievances by understanding the one who inflicted them. Perhaps, having died without solving our problems, we will be reborn again, and hell will continue. But you’re lucky, it’s all over!!! A new life begins!!! Psychotechniques have emerged for getting rid of grievances and gaining immunity to grievances. The technique is easy, the results are instant. You will smash all the grievances to smithereens in a short time. Believe me, this is magic. Don't believe it, better check it. It's nice to forgive. You'll like it.

Let's get started.

To complete the exercise you need free time and a quiet place. Sit down, close your eyes, remember the insult, the most emotionally powerful one. Start from early childhood, by forgiving the people closest to you (they are easier to forgive). We remember our parents first. The other, often omitted, face is yourself. Why do you need to forgive yourself? Because you blame yourself for your problems. We remember the offense in detail: the offender and eyewitnesses, first of all, admit your pain and hatred. If forgiveness does not touch the emotional core of your past, it will be incomplete. There is no need to hide your pain. Forgiveness refers to your pain, not the offender's behavior. It is very important to remember the unpleasant sensations in the body, pain, and record them (in order to forgive, you need to remember what pain you experienced). Imagine the offender in front of you. Kneel in front of him (very important). (After each appeal, bow at the feet of the offender). Such a simple gesture as a bow has a huge deep meaning. No wonder it is used in all religions. But bowing is also great to use as a practice of forgiveness. The inner meaning of this technique is to pacify or weaken the pride inherent in every person, which is considered a serious obstacle. Address yourself by name (if you remember). So, sit down. Remember the insult, the offender, eyewitnesses, unpleasant sensations, pain (important). Imagine the offender in front of you. Kneel before the mental image of the offender. I apologize to you (name) for hurting you with my thoughts or actions. I'm sorry that you had to offend me.

Forgive me for being offended by you. Thank you for being in my life and playing your role in it. Thank you. That he taught me as best he could, taught this difficult and painful lesson. Thank you to the Almighty for bringing you into my life (read the prayer: whichever one you know, and bow to the Lord God). Thank you to all the eyewitnesses. my offense (remember everyone who witnessed the offense, thank everyone, bow). With gratitude I accept all the lessons of life, no matter how difficult they may be. With gratitude and love, I forgive you (name) and accept you completely and completely. Mentally give the offender is something that he will be happy with in the name of God (health, children, car, etc.) Give him gifts. Hug. Print out the text of forgiveness on a piece of paper, when doing the exercise, place the sheet in front of you. With the help of this exercise, spontaneous and uncontrolled aggression towards loved ones and relatives. The main thing is to understand what you are irritated by (aggression is preceded by resentment) and what sensations arise in the body. It is important to forgive sincerely, with all your heart. Forgive and ask for forgiveness until you have done this with all the people in your past and present. If you feel the urge to cry, allow yourself to do so. If you want to scream, scream. Don't fight your feelings. Allow them to leave your emotional body. A second later, the situation will become indifferent to you. Your blood pressure will normalize, headaches will disappear, your nerves will calm down, you will stop being offended, and your strength will return. You will be delighted!!! Finally peace will come... This exercise is a prevention against resentment. It is impossible to offend someone who is not offended, just as it is impossible to frighten someone who is brave. Happy cleansing. If I managed to help you and gave peace to your heart. Please support me financially, exactly as much as you think it deserves. My Yandex money account number: 410013639887667 Thank you. Happiness!!!

Categorical behavior, stubbornness, non-acceptance of others, their freedom and individuality (in behavior) are characteristic of children, but for adults this is unforgivable. As soon as a person once grasps the charm of guilt from resentment, resentment becomes almost the main means of influence. Touchiness is immaturity.

“People of small minds are sensitive to small insults, people of great minds notice everything and are not offended by anything,” La Rochefoucauld.

Touchy man

Our own parents teach us to be offended from childhood: “If you don’t finish your porridge, I’ll be offended.” Later, the child puts this into practice: he makes trouble in the store until they buy him a toy. If parents and grandparents often support such manipulation, then resentment becomes a character trait and takes the form of resentment. The whole life of such a person revolves around the thought of “what kind of person to be offended by.”

There are several signs of resentment:

• cold,
• silence,
• detachment,
• avoidance,
• irritation,
• stubbornness,
• capriciousness.

As a rule, an offended person has all the qualities that he is offended by. In addition, he clearly suffers from delusions of grandeur, since he believes that no one has the right to offend him.

Resentment is often based on unconscious defense mechanisms. These are habitual, automatic human reactions to specific conditions. Sanogenic thinking allows you to translate these reactions to a conscious level and manage them. The first thing I want to highlight is defense mechanisms. Are they not the ones driving your grievances?

Defense mechanisms of resentment

Auto-aggression and anger

It can be mental or physical in nature, manifested in thoughts or behavior. Resentment gradually transforms into anger, and then into aggression, including that directed at oneself. Is it possible to cope with anger and reduce the severity of resentment? Yes. Once again, the problem lies in the desire to control the behavior and freedom of another person. The following principles will help:

1. I accept another person, recognize his freedom and independence.
2. Mine are my business alone, no one else is obliged to satisfy them.
3. They can help me, but no one is obliged to do this.
4. I clearly understand the consequences of my anger and aggression (resentment).
5. I know that you can't hold back your anger. I rationally release it, thereby easing the resentment.

Self-deprecation

It implies a person’s readiness to always be offended. If the developing desire for self-abasement goes unnoticed, then it seizes control. As a result, it becomes impossible to fulfill other needs, personal growth and a happy life.

The answer most likely lies in inconsistency. In general, such a mechanism stems from resentment towards oneself for allowing one to do this to oneself. Forgive not only the offender, but also yourself. Admit that everyone makes mistakes. Accept yourself and draw conclusions: now you have new resources and experience.

Shame is another common and related emotion in such a situation. Often a person is ashamed of the very fact of his existence. It is important to find the meaning of life and understand yourself. To do this, I recommend answering the following questions:

1. What should I be, how should I behave so as not to be ashamed?
2. Where did these expectations about oneself come from, which do not coincide with reality?
3. How realistic are these expectations?
4. Can I adjust these expectations to eliminate the current contradiction?
5. What's stopping me from making these adjustments?

Realize your own imperfections, and you will be able to better understand and more quickly forgive your offenders. Shame is a lack of recognition of one's own freedom. He is a frequent companion of insults.

Stimulating feelings of guilt in other people

Our resentment is a punishment for the offenders with a feeling of guilt. Gradually, people are afraid to say a word, so as not to offend. The result of such tension is neurosis.

Appealing behavior

To strengthen their own position and confirm their expectations, the offended often attract a third party (support), with whom it is easier to blame the offender.

Devaluation of a person

Devaluing the offender is the most popular mechanism (“I’ll find someone else, better”). But this is only an internal disguise that does not solve the internal problem (inadequate expectations). In addition, the depreciation of situations and people gradually accumulates, and as a result, the whole world depreciates.

Explaining your unrealistic expectations

A person who does not want to admit the unreasonableness of his own behavior and expectations will always find an excuse for himself: stinginess - frugality, aggression - activity, indifference - independence.

Transfer to others

Sometimes resentment towards others is caused by non-acceptance of oneself, the transfer of unwanted personality traits to other people. Or, on the contrary, you expect “I would do this in his place, but that’s how he is.” Which raises the wrong expectations.

So, try to avoid defensive reactions, learn to recognize them and adequately live through situations of offense. Two statements will help you:

1. I was offended, but he is a free man and can do as he pleases.
2. I don't want him to suffer from guilt. I will get over my insult.

Adjusting expectations

Expectations are based on society's cultural stereotypes and our personal beliefs. Resentment is caused by inadequate expectations. How to understand them? Answer the following questions:

1. Where do my expectations come from?
2. Are my expectations realistic? How much?
3. What stereotypes are my expectations based on?
4. Can I make them more realistic?

Answering the question: “Can a person meet my expectations?” helps to get rid of resentment. For a better understanding, put yourself in this person's shoes.

Understanding another person

To better understand others, you need to develop flexibility of thinking, empathy, and get rid of immaturity. The ability to look at a situation from another person's perspective will gradually make your expectations realistic.

The illusion of perfection

Resentment can be caused by envy, insult to the core that someone dared to be better than us or preferred another person to us. In this case, you need to work on self-esteem and a sense of uniqueness (akin to God), and bring them back to normal.

Thus, to stop being offended, you need to:

• accept ourselves and others as we are;
• respect the rights of others to freedom;
• stop comparing yourself, your life with others (as well as stop comparing loved ones).

The result of the new thinking can be briefly presented as follows: not “Lord, give him some sense, let him stop tormenting me,” but “He is a free man, he probably has reasons to do this. Can I change my expectations? If yes, then I will wait for “so-and-so.” If not, then this person and I are simply not on the same path.”

Resentment has a twofold definition. On the one hand, this is an unfair action caused to a person and upset him. On the other hand, there is a complex feeling consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article explains how resentment arises and how to overcome it.

The content of the article:

A feeling of resentment is a natural defensive reaction caused in response to unfair insults, grief, and negative emotions resulting from it. It can be caused by loved ones, acquaintances, teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time between the ages of 2 and 5 years, when the awareness of justice comes. Until this time, the child expresses feelings through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the “expectation - observation - comparison” chain. It is important to learn to cope with feelings of resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions within yourself.

Characteristics of resentment

Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the phrases “I harbor a grudge,” “I’m offended to the point of tears,” “I can’t get over my grudge,” “I can’t see anything around because of the grudge,” “deadly grudge.”

Main characteristics of resentment:

• Causes acute emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
• Accompanied by a feeling of betrayal. The offended person often says: “I never expected this from you.”
• Arises against the background of betrayed trust or unjustified expectations. That is, I didn’t get what I expected: I wasn’t given it, I was deceived, I wasn’t characterized as positively as I would have liked, etc.
• The actions of another are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves the other child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.
• It lasts for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
• It can cause a break in relationships or their deterioration in the event of an unprocessed situation. Hidden resentment can destroy even long-term family ties. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in a teenager’s aggressive behavior, reluctance to communicate with parents after reaching adulthood, and so on.
• Directed inward. Often the offended person cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
• Accompanied by a feeling of irreparability of what happened. This is especially typical for impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of my friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to communicate with them anymore."
• Characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
• Affect. May provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.

You can only be offended by your loved ones. A person with whom there is no relationship or it is superficial cannot offend. A stranger can only insult. You need established connections, a certain approximate distance, a built-in system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.

In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of vital support, even to the point of a desire to die. The victim becomes depressed and experiences phenomena of loss of meaning in life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. Suicidal thoughts and aspirations arise.

A life-threatening situation arises when the offense is inflicted on a lonely person with few social connections; the offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations and hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of the offense affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

It is believed that resentment is an acquired feeling. An infant may be happy, angry, or upset immediately after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from his parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent evidence suggests that children may experience this feeling even earlier. Practicing psychologists who observed their babies from birth recorded feelings of resentment in infants as well.

The psychosomatics of resentment are very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, including cancer or a heart attack.

The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to overcome. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and seethes inside a person, hitting weak points.

Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it when chatting with their friends and suffer more. For example, a father invested all of himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.

Women's health also depends heavily on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and grievances against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.

Psychologists who study the connection between women’s grief and women’s health claim that women’s bitterness from communicating with loved ones is localized in certain places:

1. Breasts, uterus, cervix - grievances against husband. Since these are the reproductive organs, they are the ones who absorb all the negative emotions of family life. Sometimes the result of unexpressed experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of “Infertility of unknown etiology.” That is, the feeling of resentment became so strongly strengthened in the girl’s mind that the body found a way out for itself by prohibiting having offspring in this relationship. Only a psychologist can help.
2. Left ovary - grievances against mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close connection between mother and daughter. We can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.
3. Right ovary - resentment against father. It is here that the feeling of resentment towards the dearest man lurks, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.

The more offended a woman is, the greater the degree of damage to certain organs. In mild cases, this can be a quickly passing inflammation, in severe cases it can lead to surgical intervention. The situation becomes especially sad if mental pain is hidden from others, is not spoken out, or is even repressed into the subconscious.

At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with severe emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.

The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness. The latter arises because the event happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift and expect that person to be happy and actively use it. And in response there is indifference or even a negative assessment.

This is where resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, since we will show our weakness or cross the boundaries of decency. Therefore, anger does not come out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.

The main types of feelings of resentment

It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental one. It is mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person’s life year after year, without giving him any chance of happiness. The mental nature of the feeling is the attachment of the basic feeling of disadvantage received in early childhood to all subsequent relationships. It is as if a person views every conflict or misunderstanding with others through the magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal offense, and the relationship goes downhill.

Women's resentment towards men

Women's grievances stand apart and give rise to a whole range of personal, family and child-parent problems. A girl, a woman, is a weak and defenseless creature. In many cases, she simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, since she is entirely dependent on him.

The danger of female resentment lies in its ability to poison the entire space around for many years to come. And finding the ends and reasons in such cases can be extremely difficult.

Resentment towards your husband may be a consequence of childhood trauma. The father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, and took out anger. The girl's expectations of a supportive and protective father figure were not met. A mental (basic) resentment arose. It seems that this feeling should not spread to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.

In any tense situation, basic bitterness joins momentary discontent, and resentment towards a loved one grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to the woman that her husband does not love her, deliberately offends her, does it out of spite, does not appreciate her, and she makes more and more scandals. In such situations, men most often run away, but that is not the end of the story.

The next husband comes, then another one, but everything ends according to the same scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are assholes and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.

But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman gives birth to a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and would scratch out his eyes for him, but an internal veiled resentment towards the man forces the mother to put pressure on the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: he wasn’t careful enough, he wasn’t attentive enough, he did something wrong, he didn’t come on time, etc. The result may even turn out to be a maniac.

Men's resentment towards women

Boys are very vulnerable. They cope less well with conflict because they are unable to show emotion, express it through tears, or talk openly. After all, society teaches them from childhood that “Only girls cry”, “Be a man, otherwise you’ll become a nurse.”

The result of this is negative emotions accumulated over the years, which resonate in problems with others and mistrust of people in general. For example:

• If it's all your mother's fault. Typically, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists who gave birth “to be like other people” and do not take an active part in their son’s life, limiting themselves to punches for bad grades and unworthy behavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that “I gave my whole life to him.” Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions except to the child. These could be divorced, abandoned or betrayed ladies. They constantly control and blackmail even their adult sons. Usually it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, since they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable match for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for the rest of his life and may even die alone, never having found a woman who can please his mother.
• If your first love, your wife, is to blame. Resentment from the first relationship or betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As is the case with women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust their partner and wait for them to be “stabbed in the back.” Usually, if such a person gets married, he becomes a terrible jealous person, tormenting his wife with suspicions, albeit completely groundless.
• If it's your daughter or son's fault. As mentioned above, even resentment over unfulfilled dreams in relation to one’s child can lead the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who spent a lot of time on their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

The feeling of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be bad or good by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant influences. But psychologists do not welcome touchiness as a character trait and in every possible way recommend getting rid of it.

A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), does not demonstrate his true emotions. They use touchiness to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and dissatisfaction, they try to control their loved ones.

The mechanism of the destructive effect of resentment is most clearly visible in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time their sons try to arrange their personal lives, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not create scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons give up.

Touchiness makes life easier for its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the guilt of people close to you than to try to come to an agreement with them. The tactics of such manipulation have enormous potential for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, and contact in the family. Touchy people are feared and feared. People communicate with them through force, out of a sense of duty rather than out of love.

In fact, grievances bring enormous benefits, which are expressed in the following:

1. Shows our weak points. You should never let go of this feeling without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. By delving into yourself, you may find that the negative reaction has its roots in childhood, where your parents preferred you to your brother or sister. You need to work on an old childhood trauma, and then an ordinary friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
2. In the event of the end of a relationship, the benefit of resentment is its anesthetic properties. A breakup is accompanied by a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to bear. But anger and self-pity help to distance oneself from someone who has been an important part of one’s life for a long time. The strength appears to turn the page and move on.
3. Resentment helps to free yourself from negative emotions. She lifts all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, “small cups” are better than years of accumulated discontent.

How to get rid of resentment

Figuring out how to overcome a negative feeling is not easy. Practicing psychologists offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst or are difficult for non-specialists to use. However, it is impossible to live for a long time in a state of severe emotional distress. Therefore, you need to choose from a variety of tips the one that is more or less suitable and use it.

Ways to get rid of resentment:

• Don't accumulate in yourself. In one legend, a sage advises using a “small cup” for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable proportions when it ends in an outburst of emotions, a scandal or a break in relationships, but clarify all the points that are classified as unfair immediately.
• Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is. Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about others. It is not the person’s fault that we have invented character traits for him that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our dissatisfaction and paints the problem in a completely different way.
• Be sure to speak out. Negative emotions go away through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity within yourself.
• Working through the situation with a partner. Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the offender and make a claim. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you were offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. More often than not, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
• Forgive and let go. If you see that someone is purposefully constantly offending you, think about whether you really need this person? Loving people treat their partners with care. They can hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats itself for a long time, perhaps you are dealing with an energy vampire. These types of personalities feed on other people's pain. They cannot be remade. The only way out is to leave.
• Introspection. Try to understand whether it was this person who offended you, or whether your strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous tension or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not to someone in front of you.
• Help from outside. If you can’t cope with painful experiences on your own, a psychologist will tell you how to let go of the grudge. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body’s response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.

How to let go of a grudge - watch the video:

Thus, resentment is a complex psycho-emotional state that all people without exception face. It is important to get rid of it in a timely manner and not carry it around for years. This is harmful to our mental and physical health.

Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don’t tell yourself: “You need to let go and forget,” the resentment still gnaws at you. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you understand it yourself. So listen to the story.

Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don’t tell yourself: “You need to let go and forget,” the resentment still gnaws at you. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you understand it yourself. So listen to the story.

Where do grievances come from and how to get rid of them

• Where do grievances come from?
• How to deal with grievances
• A way that works
• How to deal with bullies

Once upon a time there was Ivan, not a fool. He bought land, plowed the field, and sowed it. The harvest is waiting. But it was not there. The earth is dry, cracked, and the sprouts have withered.

Not immediately, but it dawned on Ivan: the river is to blame, the water is not reaching. It turned out that the flood had brought down branches, logs and all sorts of debris.

Ivan, although not a fool, did not know what to do with this misfortune. One smart guy advised: “Let’s do something drastic - with dynamite!” It was loud, but ineffective. Moreover, the neighbors came with the police and let’s sort things out with Ivan.

Another, more cautious and thoughtful comrade, suggested: “Let’s start pulling out from the very bottom. Thoroughly and for sure." Ivan didn’t even try this method. How many years does it take to drag logs from the bottom? And it’s not a fact that it will help.

I didn’t care about the advice and went to dismantle the dam. I removed one log at a time from above and threw it into the water so that it would be carried away by the current. Minimum effort and no special equipment.

Moral: don't complicate things! The best solutions are on the surface.

Where do grievances come from?

Essentially, what is resentment? This is stopped anger. It's like a fist stopped halfway. Moreover, when the offender certainly deserved a right hook. But you restrained yourself - a bad habit, since childhood.

Perhaps when you were a child and were angry with your parents, they harshly suppressed this aggression:

A good girl doesn't behave like that. And the bad ones are punished!

Don't you love your mother? That means we don’t love you either! We’ll send you to an orphanage, and live as you want.

The only thing you remember as a child is that it is dangerous to be angry. If you show aggression towards adults, you will either be punished or get rid of you altogether, and you will disappear without your parents. And each time they stopped their anger without giving way out. They pinned him inside.

You are now an adult. But instead of fighting back, you continue to be offended and crawl to the side. Although the normal reaction to an attack is fear, anger and appropriate action.

How to deal with grievances

Common but ineffective methods

• Cardinal

If you ask the question “How to get rid of resentment?”, Google will offer at least six effective methods, three secret techniques, a unique practice from a megaguru, and so on. Moreover, they promise to get rid of all grievances immediately and, most importantly, forever. Why not dynamite for a dam?

Yes, they work. At first they give pleasant relief, after a day - a slight doubt: “Is it really so simple?” After a week, you quietly slip into your usual touchy behavior.

• Logs from the very bottom

Now it is fashionable to delve into childhood and teenage traumas. This approach has the right to life, because it is childhood trauma that lays the foundations for behavior, character and attitude to the world. But you need to approach this wisely and carefully, otherwise you risk a lot. Firstly, you can drown headlong in these sad memories and you simply won’t have the strength to change anything in your present. Secondly, you can become addicted to a coach like a drug. Because there is no end to this soul-searching, and a coach gives you a feeling of relief and hope for a bright future.

A way that works

Stop artificially holding on to, chewing on, and replaying your offense like a bad movie.

It's simple. Emotions are a kind of warning light. Imagine: you are driving a car and your gasoline level indicator lights up. And what? Will you start whining and complaining about this? Or will you stop at the first gas station?

Our emotions are like those light bulbs in a car:

• Green - everything works great, life makes you happy.
• Red - alarm, something is going wrong or broken.

What should be the correct reaction to a red signal? Figure out what's wrong and fix it. If you feel anger, anger or fear, someone has violated your boundaries. That is, a person is directly or indirectly trying to cause harm. He's an abuser.

How to deal with bullies

Any living creature that is attacked has three biological ways to react:

• Run away, if the enemy is stronger and it is more expensive for you to contact him. If you don’t like running, become big and strong yourself.
• Play dead or simply ignore the attacks. The tactic of ignoring is chosen by both the strong, not wanting to get involved with every little thing, and the weak - when it’s too late and there’s nowhere to run.
• “Soak” the offender. And in such a way that he would not dare to attack again. But here you need to assess your chances of winning like an adult.

In each individual situation the reaction may be different. The main thing is to make sure that you are actually attacked. After this, choose the appropriate way to act, and the need to continue to experience the negative emotion will no longer exist. Moreover, emotion will become energy for action.

How to change habitual behavior

Many people are used to doing things the same way: to be offended and chase complaints in your head, retell them, complain about life and feel sorry for yourself. Do you want to cure your resentment? Change the behavior:

Honestly admit that your resentment is an irrelevant infantile reaction. You are afraid to act, so you prefer to crawl into a corner and whine quietly there.

Allow yourself to feel anger, anger, rage. If you were attacked, you have a right to those emotions.

Analyze the situation and consciously choose a rational course of action.

Remind yourself often: an adult does not get offended! He either “grabs the dagger” and deals with the offender, or distances himself and no longer deals with him. And that's the only way it was published.

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet