Cool tips. Comic advice for women. Note to the hostess

When leaving children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: “Dad and mom are busy. They clean and lubricate the machine gun.”

A glass eye inserted into the door peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.

When the bandits start breaking down the door, try to break it down on your side at the same time. This will confuse attackers.

Man, if you finally decide to wash your socks, then the most important thing is that there be an even number of them.

When opening a closet, it is better to knock first.

Shoes will last much longer if you don't buy new ones.

Your pass will last a little longer if you make it past your stop.

A black shirt with white speckles is ideal protection against dandruff!

Advice to wives: if on March 8 your husband gave you household appliances from Eldorado, think about who got the “second one for free.”

Resentment is easier to bear if you swallow it together with the offender.

Do not offend the weak if he is stronger than you.

If you don’t understand yourself, don’t let someone else understand.

The inability to lie is not a reason to tell the truth.

Squash caviar will taste better if you replace it with black or red.

Are you waiting for an important call and just can’t wait? Put your cell phone in the farthest pocket, go to the bathroom and soap your hands...

Vodka should be drunk very cold. Just icy. Then in the morning you will not have a shameful hangover, but a noble sore throat, on the basis of which any doctor is simply obliged to issue a sick leave.

A gentleman must know what his lady likes, so as not to end up with her where it can be bought.

To find out whether the borscht is salted, simply dip two electrodes into it and run a current through them. If the smell of chlorine appears, it means the borscht has already been salted)

To prevent your hands from smelling like fish, just dip them in kerosene for a few seconds.

A hot lid on a pan looks the same as a cold one!

Your dress will last you for many years if your husband earns a small salary.

Vegetarian soup will be more nutritious if you add some meat to it.

Most electrical appliances consume less electricity when turned off.

Your husband's socks will last much longer if you soak them in epoxy resin and blow dry them.

Never praise your husband. This causes envy in men, and a desire to check in women.

Do not throw a salt shaker at your husband - spilled salt will lead to a quarrel.

Lunch will seem much tastier to your husband if you don’t feed him for 2 days beforehand.

To distinguish real Swiss watches from fake ones, throw them with all your might onto the concrete floor of a store. If the watch is real, the seller should immediately die of a broken heart.

Using scissors and a small amount of glue, you can make three regular pads or two with wings from one diaper.

Don't buy bouillon cubes, you are being cruelly deceived. In fact, these are not cubes, but parallelepipeds!

A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

Don’t forget that the garden needs to be watered, weeded, fertilized and sunny!

You can't look in the mirror when you eat - you'll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s better not to hang a mirror in the toilet at all...

Do not grab bare wires with wet hands - they may rust.

Remember that small children left unattended very quickly become small parents!

Aquarium fish will thank you and perk up if, instead of regular fish food, they receive a pinch of good instant coffee for breakfast.

Don't take everything from life. You won't tell!

They tell you that you are smart and beautiful, don’t argue - you won’t convince people...

You only need to kneel in front of the woman who will then iron your pants.

If a person cannot swallow an insult, he needs to chew it out!

If you are afraid of gaining weight, drink 50 g of cognac before meals. It dulls the feeling of fear.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can enjoy today.

Never call a person a fool before borrowing money from him.

Come to the exam with a fresh mind. You will have to figure out a lot of things for the first time.

It is better not to share the skin of an unkilled bear in front of him.

If you want to make yeast dough, but you don’t have yeast, then you won’t succeed.

Phrases like: “Now I’ll show you our family album!” or “Look how our son is studying!” significantly save food and drink.

The thesis defense will be more successful if a banquet on this occasion is held 2-3 hours before the start of the defense.

Shoes will last much longer if you don't buy new ones.

If you want to lose weight, then strip naked, sit in front of the mirror and start eating. The method is very effective, since in this case you will be immediately kicked out of the restaurant.

Note to the young housewife. Remember that a modest bottle of vodka will not only decorate the table, but also hide your culinary mistakes.

If a woman wrinkles, you need to stroke her.

If you want to work, lie down, sleep, and everything will pass!

If nothing else helps, finally read the instructions.

If you are not allowed to the feeding trough, grunt.

If cats are scratching at your heart, pour valerian into them.

The way to a woman's refrigerator is through her heart.

In everything one must observe moderation, even in modesty.

A woman can only be told the truth, and only the truth.

If you really love, then such a woman that you won’t be ashamed to appear in front of your wife with her.

The bad habit of drinking vodka in the evening gives rise to the wonderful habit of drinking mineral water in the morning.

Never ask anyone for anything. Just take it away and let them ask you, and you think about it.

A note for a girl will make a lasting impression if the note is written on a piece of paper from your checkbook.

Don't repeat other people's mistakes - make your own.

To lose weight, you need to either sleep while eating, or eat only while you sleep.

Never ask her opinion on any issue. She'll tell you anyway. And more than once, and always different.

It's better to wear horns than to throw off hooves.

Freshly purchased cheese will last much longer if you do not eat it on the first day.

If you are caught in a lie, you urgently need to lie something.

If you look like the photo in your passport, go on vacation immediately!

1. If the smoke spreads along the ground, go back and turn off the iron; if it rises in a column, you don’t have to come back.

2. If your left hand itches - to money, if your nose - to booze, if both - to free booze

3. Cats have a sign: if a black man crosses the road...

4. If a husband gives flowers for no reason, it means there is still a reason.

5. If a woman has a ring on her hand, it means she is most likely married. If it's beads, it doesn't mean anything. If there is a ring and beads, she is married, but this does not mean anything.

6. A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

7. If you want to feel like a star, sit on the Christmas tree!

8. Came - thank you, left - thank you very much...

9. Life is given to a person once, and mostly by chance...

10. In connection with the disappearance of her husband, an investigation was initiated... by two neighbors

11. It’s better to be with Petrov in Mallorca than with the major in Petrovka.

12. Never be afraid to do what you don’t know how to do. Remember, the ark was built by an amateur. Professionals
built the Titanic.

13. If you watch TV, you must have noticed that the good guys always defeat the bad guys,
except for the nine o'clock news.

14. Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot planes! Hurry up! There are very few of them left.

15. If you think that nicotine has no effect on a woman's voice, try shaking the ashes onto the carpet.

16. When a woman says that she has nothing to wear, it means that everything new has run out. When a man
he says that he has nothing to wear - this means that he has run out of everything clean.

17. A speed bump is a good thing - it regulates the speed and makes it pleasant to drive over.

18. Russians call the place where they are going to drive a road.

19. If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.

20. It’s not just good where we are not, but where we have never been!

21. Should I help you or not interfere?

22. Often looking at a woman in the morning, you realize with horror that the fact that you seduced her yesterday was not yours,
and her merit.

23. When there is only one wife in a family, she grows up to be selfish.

24. There are three reasons for failure to appear: forgot, drank or scored.

25. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

26. A Russian tank is not as scary as its drunken crew.

27. No matter how you turn it, but... in the back.

28. And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.

29. If you have a wonderful wife, a drop-dead mistress, a cool car, there are no problems with the authorities and
tax services, and when you go out into the street the sun is always shining and passers-by smile at you - tell
No Drugs!

30. Mosquitoes are much more humane than some women, so if a mosquito drinks your blood, it will at least
stops buzzing.

31. There are three ways to do something: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your own
children do this.

32. Life, of course, was not successful, but otherwise everything is fine.

33. It is not difficult to make a woman happy, but it is difficult to remain happy yourself.

34. If you argue with an idiot, he probably does the same.

35. A properly abandoned husband will definitely return like a boomerang.

36. I endlessly respect the monstrous choice of my people.

37. When time is short, there is no time for friendship, only love.

38. The laziness of a simple Russian person is not a sin, but an absolutely necessary means of neutralizing the vigorous activity of the fools leading them.

39. Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.

40. Sorry for what I say when you interrupt.

41. The lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.

42. A real woman should cut down a tree, destroy a house and raise a daughter.

43. The patient is recovering. But I didn’t get there.

44. Send in four toilet lids and you'll receive a free roll of toilet paper!

45. Stupid people get married, and smart people get married.

46. ​​American universities are where Russian Jews teach mathematics to the Chinese.

47. Life goes away so quickly, as if it is not interested in us...

48. Brine - the drink of tomorrow.

49. Laziness is subconscious wisdom.

50. There are people in whom God lives. There are people in whom the devil lives. And there are people that live only worms. (F. Ranevskaya)

51. There comes a time in every man’s life when it’s easier to buy clean socks.

52. About wives: There is only a moment between the past and the future. This is what is called life.

53. A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.

54. It’s not enough to know your worth - you also need to be in demand.

55. Take care of your homeland - relax abroad.

56. She came to Siberia and ruined all his hard labor there.

57. Women, like children, love to say “no.” Men, like children, take it seriously.

58. The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.

Police tips

1. A glass eye inserted into the door peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.

2. When leaving children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: “Dad and mom are busy. They are cleaning and lubricating the machine gun.”

3. When the bandits start breaking down the door, try to break it down on your side at the same time. This will puzzle the attackers.

Note to the hostess

1. Your husband will find lunch much tastier if he is not fed for two days beforehand.

2. Freshly purchased cheese will last much longer if you don’t eat it on the first day.

3. If your plugs are burnt out, do not rush to throw them away. Maybe something else will burn out - then throw it all away.

4. Don’t rush to throw away your old rusty iron bed. Do it slowly and enjoy it.

5. Phrases like: “Now I’ll show you our family album!” or “Look how our son is studying!” significantly save food and drink.

6. If you are really tired of guests, then a glance at the clock will be more eloquent if you transfer it to the double-barreled shotgun hanging on the wall.

7. Your dress will last you for many years if your husband receives a small salary.

8. Oil paint stains won't be as noticeable on your clothes if you don't wear them again.

9. Immediately treat freshly planted fruit spots with a 3% solution of heteroauxin in perchloroethane. Then, after a year or two, they will retain their original taste, color, aroma and vitamins.

10. If a pipe is leaking in your apartment, do not rush to call a plumber. Maybe the neighbor downstairs will call him.

11. When preparing boxes of old junk to throw away, do not look at their contents, otherwise there will be nothing to throw away.

12. A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

Miscellaneous

1. If your computer is infected with a virus, reformat your hard drive as soon as possible; don't give the virus the pleasure of doing it itself

2. To keep your teeth better, don’t stick your nose into other people’s affairs.

3. If your neighbor suddenly bought a gun, you better stop playing music.

4. Your travel card will last you a little longer if you pass your stop.

5. If oil stops dripping from a domestic car, it means it has run out

6. If your hands are sweaty, then before you say hello, politely and cordially pat your friend on the shoulders with them.

7. You need to borrow money from pessimists; they know in advance that they will not pay it back.

8. If you suffer from insomnia, take a laxative. You still won't fall asleep, but at least you'll have something to do.

9. If you want to be remembered after death, leave your debts.

10. Contrary to the advice of the military, never close your eyes and do not fall with your feet towards a nuclear explosion, because in any case you are seeing this show for the first and last time in your life.

11. When driving on Russian roads, the main thing is to stay away from other fools.

12. If all the troubles are behind you, take care of your back!

13. Just ten grams of hemp in toothpaste - and your children will start brushing their teeth not two, but three, four and even five times a day!

14. Do to others what they are going to do to you: strike first.

15. If your teeth don't seem white enough, stand in front of a mirror and rub your face with a piece of charcoal or shoe polish.

16. If your neighbors annoy you with loud music until three in the morning, call them back at five and tell them how you liked it...

18. There is an interesting folk superstition that you should not look in the mirror when you eat - you will eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s generally better not to hang a mirror in the toilet...

19. By smiling, you make your teeth defenseless.

20. If you run socks that haven’t been washed for a long time around a room that hasn’t been cleaned for a long time, the socks will become much warmer and the room will be much cleaner.

21. If the parachute does not open. Try to enjoy the beauty of flight, you won’t have another opportunity like this!

22. I found a worm, don’t show it to anyone, if you go fishing it will come in handy!

23. If you approach a sleeping person and bark “Thirteen!” in his ear with all your might. - then he will immediately jump up and start looking around wildly. This once again proves the magical nature of the mysterious number!

24. If you quietly swear, it means you have a cold in your throat.

25. Why yell good obscenities when you can quietly throw ordinary ones at them?

26. If you want to make a great discovery, but don’t know how, then we will teach you. Put five thousand money in an envelope and send it to us. The method is absolutely proven, we have already helped Aristotle and Socrates, Darwin and Marx, Mendeleev and Clapeyron...

27. Start even a three-hour report with the words “I’ll be brief.”

28. The defense of the dissertation will be more successful if a banquet on this occasion is held 2-3 hours before the start of the defense.

29. The secret of success is sincerity: if you learn to imitate it, nothing will be impossible for you.

30. It will be easier for you to get up for work on time if you put a mousetrap on your alarm clock!

A note “I'll be there in 5 minutes” hung on your office door will help you go on vacation three days earlier.

When opening a closet, it is better to knock first.
***
When leaving children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: - “Dad and mom are busy. They clean and lubricate the machine gun.”
***
Good must be sown and evil must be planted.
***
A glass eye inserted into the door peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.
***
Remember that small children left unattended very quickly become small parents!
***

Aquarium fish will thank you and perk up if, instead of regular fish food, they receive a pinch of good instant coffee for breakfast
***
A conversation about buying this or that new toy should start indirectly, head-on, with a shout: “Buy-buy-buy!!!” It is best to start with some abstract topic. For example: - “Dad, was your childhood also difficult and joyless?”
***
Don’t forget that the garden needs to be watered, weeded, fertilized and sunny!
***

Cod liver causes liver cracking.
***
The inability to lie is not a reason to tell the truth.
***
Never say: “I was wrong!” Better say: “Wow, how interesting it turned out!!!
***
You need to borrow money from pessimists; they know in advance that they will not pay it back.

***
Squash caviar will taste better if you replace it with black or red.
***
You can't look in the mirror when you eat - you'll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s better not to hang a mirror in the toilet at all...
***
Getting rich is not at all difficult if you save more money every month than you earn.
***
If a woman suddenly becomes silent, it means she wants to say something
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If they think you're a camel, don't give a damn

A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.
***
The cunning owner cuts the meat into thin slices, and the even more cunning guest swallows them five at a time...
***
Don't buy bouillon cubes, you are being cruelly deceived. In fact, these are not cubes, but parallelepipeds!
***
Little tricks. If you are afraid of harsh traffic cops, drink 100 grams before your trip for courage!