Star News
How the habit of making excuses ruins our lives. Why do we justify the actions of other people? Self-deception or lying to oneself
Let's talk about excuses - about those excuses that arise when we do something wrong, or when we are told that we are wrong and wrong, in general, about those cases when we do not want to change in something or do something. Think about whether excuses help - the mind sometimes invents, and often gives quite logical and convincing arguments in favor of being right, but does this change our life for the better? In fact, more often than not, excuses are just a deception, and not of others, but of ourselves. But in order to start living consciously, you need to become honest with yourself, read on - how to stop making excuses.
Self-deception or lying to oneself
People around us sometimes point out our shortcomings or wrong behavior, or we ourselves point out wrong behavior to others - whoever is closer, and most often in such situations people begin to make excuses. It is extremely difficult to honestly and calmly admit one is wrong, so few people can do it, especially if a person is under pressure at this moment. The more pressure, the more difficult it is for a person to admit that he was wrong or did wrong - this is noteworthy.
As a rule, a person makes excuses because he is sincerely sure that there are no deviations in his behavior, almost every person is convinced that he lives right. And most often a person makes excuses at an unconscious level, his defensive reactions simply turn on automatically, and the reason for this is our mind. As long as the mind continues to constantly take over our behavior, we will never be able to stop making excuses.
“For the one who curbed the mind, he becomes the best friend, but for the one who failed, the mind remains the worst enemy” Bhagavad Gita, 6.6
The mind is like a child, it reaches for what it likes and rebels when it doesn't like something. Most people live precisely on the platform of the mind, starting to protest and condemn when something does not suit them, in a particular case, to justify themselves and blame others, trying to smooth over their guilt by shifting it to others. How to live consciously - you need to learn to observe your mind Don't let him take over the situation. Mind is inside us, the behavior of such a person, as a rule, is spontaneous - that is, in response to behavior and words that a person does not like, an instant, most often unconscious reaction occurs.
Such a person begins to resent - someone out loud, openly expressing protest and disagreement, and someone in his mind - yes, he does not know me, but I really am not like that, I am different, etc. For many people, there is a war of the mind with the mind - the mind argues in favor of the right actions, saying “Yes, you are wrong, admit it”, and the mind says “You are not to blame for anything, if someone is to blame, then others, you only look at them". The mind will bring hundreds of arguments just to justify itself, since it is very painful for our mind to admit that we are wrong, the mind avoids violence against itself with all its might.
As we have already said, the mind is drawn to what pleases it, which is why a person, as a rule, so painfully endures criticism and reproaches addressed to him, or when they try to correct a person for the better by force. How to stop making excuses with the power of the mind admitting that he was wrong, he is able to set goals and go towards their achievement, show willpower, distinguish what is right and what is wrong. But, most often, the mind breaks all the arguments of the mind to smithereens and prevails.
One of the most favorite phrases of the mind in the case of excuses "Yes, but". For example, they say something to you: “You know, you did just that, and I think it’s wrong.” And you seem to agree, saying “Yes, you are right, but ...”, and this “but” actually completely crosses out “yes”, discounting it. Justifications mean that I am right, excuses are not admitting that I was wrong, making excuses means not taking responsibility for my life, making excuses is the same as saying that I am not to blame and there is nothing wrong with my behavior.
I can find hundreds of excuses for my wrong behavior, but life does not get better from this, I can criticize other people, giving convincing arguments in favor of their guilt, but this does not make life better. With each such excuse, life will get worse and worse, so I choose a different path in life, to live consciously means to be able to admit that one is wrong.
“The one who does not want to change his life cannot be helped” Hippocrates
How to stop making excuses - you need to understand and realize that excuses do not improve our lives in any way. Excuses do nothing to help you think and comprehend your behavior, do not allow you to draw conclusions from wrong behavior. Excuses give not just freedom, but a loophole so that you can do wrong. Excuses cling to a thin thread of truth, when as a general one, as a rule, it looks different. His mind is resourceful, he is everywhere able to find something to grab hold of in order to live comfortably, and to find shortcomings there, in accordance with which it would be inconvenient to live.
For example, if a person is divorced, he says “Many are happier in a second marriage”, and if there are children in the family, then such a person can argue that there are families where the child was raised by two parents and grew up by someone else, but there are cases when a single parent, and grew up a wonderful person. Also with smoking and alcohol - there you can find people who sometimes lived for a hundred years and did not die from these, and the fact that several thousand people a day die from this, many do not attach any importance, sincerely believing that this is not about them.
There is truth in this, of course, but in order to stop making excuses, in order to start living consciously, you need to understand and accept that this is only a fraction of the truth, and, as a rule, a much smaller fraction. And there are countless cases where you can find an excuse for yourself. When people start to go to extremes, they most often just make excuses. Such a person, having heard a thought with which he does not agree, will try to insert a reverse example, often exaggerated or simply presented in an extreme form, in order to cross out the thought he heard not to his liking.
Or when a person has read an article or heard a person's story about how to live the right way, and inserts a comment like "Everyone has their own way" or "Every case is unique." Often there are justifications behind such words - the mind seems to whisper to the person “No, no, no, in our case everything is different, our case is an exception to the rule - quickly insert your word to calm down.” In this case, a person rejects the path that was described or told, but at the same time, he often does not know his own path, he himself has not embarked on any life path, or, as they sometimes joke, “As a person embarked on a spiritual path, so and stands and does not move.
On the other hand, I think that while reading the article, someone already had “Yes, but” and attempts to go to some extreme, for example, and what should I reproach myself with after wrong behavior, engaging in self-blame. Extremes are always bad - after wrong deeds, we should not blame ourselves and drive ourselves into a corner, engaging in self-torture, which will be written later.
Honesty with yourself or how to live consciously
The philosophy “All the problems are outside, but everything is fine with me” does not bring positive results in our lives. Stop placating yourself with excuses, stop criticizing only others, continuing to consider yourself soft and fluffy. begin with sincerity and truthfulness towards oneself. When we are honest with ourselves, we soberly assess the situation, we see what we should work on, what needs to be changed in our character and behavior. Just keep track of the state when you start making excuses, it is with observing yourself that the change in our behavior begins.
“If you are looking for perfection, strive to change yourself, not others” Unknown author
How to live consciously - you need to choose the golden mean. If a person makes excuses, it means that he does not admit his wrong, and such a person thinks that I don’t even need to correct myself, everything is fine with me, I don’t have any problems - such a person does not progress a bit. On the other hand, sometimes someone is really crushed by the load of wrong behavior, when he is strongly concentrated on shortcomings, he is crushed by all the bad that is in him. Such a person cannot take a single step, sometimes he is crushed so much - as a rule, under the influence of his own criticism, that he does not even see a light. He does not know how to get out from under the rubble of his own wrong deeds, not seeing where he should move, in what direction.
Try not to overwhelm yourself with this pile. , failures, negative character traits and wrong behavior - not a garbage dump that should put pressure on you, roughly speaking, poking you at how bad and imperfect you are. Let this dump of your shortcomings be just in front of you, as if under the windows - as a reminder that there is something to work on, but do not dive into this pile, do not plunge into a broken state. Acceptance of a situation is when we understand and accept that it was - it was, we did everything we could, unless of course you really made efforts to improve this or that situation, and not just made excuses.
Everyone makes mistakes in this life, everyone has some shortcomings, but this does not mean putting an end to your life. Divorced - it happens, draw at least some conclusions from what happened. Do not blame, at least only others, look into yourself - and this will be a huge step. Repentance is a confession in yourself and a vision of specific sins, just try not to repeat the same mistakes in life, learn a lesson from every situation - this is living consciously. Sometimes fate leads a person through life in such a way that he has no other choice (just don’t think that this is your case), so it’s very important to learn how to treat the events around you correctly.
“The greatest glory is not in never making a mistake, but in being able to rise every time you fall” Confucius
To stop making excuses, you need to be honest with yourself - learn to admit your mistakes and wrong behavior, this is the beginning. Any person can make excuses - there is not an ounce of strength or self-control in this, in order to freak out and criticize others - you don’t need a lot of mind. Until you have honesty with yourself, you will continue to live in the illusion invented by your mind, and your life will not change for the better. The mind is always justified, the ego shows off, the soul is humble. Before judging others, first turn your gaze inward, look at yourself.
It is also necessary to receive feedback from other people regarding their behavior. Many think, and sometimes even openly decide for other people what is more pleasant and useful for them, when these people themselves often dream and wish for something completely different. You need to be attentive, listening to the needs of other people - try to understand and find out what this or that person really needs.
How to stop making excuses - when they say to you that you did wrong, try to hear the other person and listen to him, of course, without fanaticism - that is, you don’t have to constantly be in some kind of paranoid state, and look for your sins and work on their correction. To stop making excuses, you need to accept the fact that you can be wrong and wrong. If two or three people say the same words to you, paying attention to or behavior, this is an occasion to think about your behavior. And even more so, if everyone around says that the problem is with you, then the so-called Bob principle “When Bob has problems with everyone, Bob himself is usually the main problem.”
But also remember that we must be moderately indulgent, both to ourselves and to others. There is no point in rebuking something that cannot be changed, but at the same time, we should try our best to do the right thing. I do not incline to live within the framework of some dogma, when a step to the left or a step to the right is execution. There are simply principles by which we should try to live if we make mistakes - it is better to honestly admit them and, if possible, try to correct them, or at least draw the necessary conclusions that would help in the future. It means to live consciously, and this is much better than living in deceit, giving excuses for your behavior every time.
Lifetime advocate of irresponsibility: how to stop making excuses and not shift the blame on others
Most people believe that their successes are the result of the genius abilities present, their own outstanding virtues, hard and purposeful work. At the same time, in case of failure and failure, many people begin to make excuses, blame anyone and anything, just to relieve themselves of responsibility and appear before society in a favorable light. There are many such justifications. This is a “black streak”, “bad day”, “intrigues of envious people”, “evil eye and damage”, “a fatal combination of circumstances”.
Undoubtedly, in life there are often circumstances that we have no control over. There are situations that we are not able to control and cannot manage. Nevertheless, the bulk of the problems that arise in life are a direct result of our thinking, worldview, and actions.
Making excuses and shifting the blame for our own troubles and failures to other people, lack of fortune, unhappy fate, we do not learn a useful lesson from the difficulties. Reproaching and reproaching everyone and everything, we do not try to establish the real causes of failures. Justifying ourselves, we do not try to find the real prerequisites for disasters.
Accordingly, when we make excuses, we do not make efforts to change our thinking, to transform the way we perceive the world, to develop more adequate behavior. We do not search, research and analyze the factors that were the primary source of evil.
As a result of regular self-justifications, we do not acquire the knowledge and skills necessary to avoid similar mistakes and miscalculations in the future. Therefore, we step on the same rake several times. We suffer from the same grief. We solve identical problems. We face the same obstacles. We are suffering from similar problems. We meet the same unpleasant people and are upset by communicating with them.
Let's illustrate with examples. A lazy and indefatigable student believes that his bad grades are the result of a biased and biased attitude of teachers, a consequence of a complex and incomprehensible school curriculum, and the result of teachers' bad mood. Surely, this student will become a negligent student and will perform professional duties negligently and in bad faith.
The young lady constantly throws tantrums, starts scandals, reproaches her husband. At the same time, she is convinced that the departure of another faithful is due to his hardness, insensitivity, heartlessness, indifference and selfishness. It is natural that this woman, who considers men as vicious and cruel scoundrels, will not be happy with any partner and, as a result, will meet old age in splendid isolation.
Removing responsibility, blaming others, making excuses, we lose the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and do not gain the required experience. As a result, we constantly make mistakes and fail, becoming more and more disappointed in life and finding an even more terrible mood.
Therefore, we need to try in each specific situation to understand where we made a mistake. It is necessary to consider what we can do to avoid the next attack on the same rake in the future. We must learn to explain our position to others, and not to pick up arguments for our own defense.
Justify yourself or explain your position: we study the difference between concepts
For many, the expressions "justify" and "explain one's point of view" are identical concepts. However, this is not true: "self-justification" and "explanation" from the point of view of psychology have fundamental differences.
Self-justification is one of the psychological defense methods used by the lifelong advocate of irresponsibility. The defensive strategy of this lawyer is devoid of persuasiveness and cannot provide the accused with a commutation of the sentence by the public court. Since self-justification is:
That is why a strategy based on self-justification cannot be effective and leads to an inevitable fiasco. For this reason, the habit of making excuses is classified as a negative and unhealthy property.
At the same time, explaining one's position helps to avoid criticism, makes it possible to prevent the escalation of the conflict, and helps to get approval from others. An explanation is a constructive action that implies:
It should be noted that when a person tries to remove the blame from himself and shifts responsibility to others, he uses the method of "broad coverage" - generalization. This is a logical technique that provides for the generalization of concepts, the transition from a particular case to a general one.
For example, a person reports: "All office employees work carelessly", "All colleagues do not invest on time, because there is always not enough time allocated." The self-justifying person is also expressed in impersonal sentences: “There was not enough time”, “It was not possible”, “I was not informed” or uses passive verbs: "I was not aware". Moreover, most of the stories refer to the past tense.
When an individual explains his point of view, he builds speech structures containing a predicate expressed in the personal form of the verb: “I have realized”, “I am working”, “I will fulfill”. At the same time, when a person tries to give explanations, he speaks not only about the past, but also reports about the present and the future. A person not only talks about what caused his actions. He talks about what he is doing now and what he is going to do in the future to correct the situation.
How to Eliminate the Habit of Making Excuses: Rejecting the Advocate of Irresponsibility
To get rid of the harmful manner of blaming other people, we must recognize that taking personal responsibility for the existing reality is one of the important indicators of the maturity, consistency and self-sufficiency of the individual. A developed, formed, whole, self-respecting nature knows how to be responsible for its thoughts, words and deeds. She is able to find the causes of events in herself, and not in other people. A mature person understands that she is responsible for the quality of her life.
One of the steps necessary to achieve psychological maturity is to stop making excuses to yourself and to others. How to put it into practice? First we need to answer a few questions.
Too many and regular mistakes, miscalculations, oversights indicate that our credo is to look for more or less plausible excuses for committed mistakes. This is an indication that we do not want to analyze past events due to some personal qualities or fears and are content with being stuck at this stage of development. This is evidence that we simply refuse to do inner work on ourselves. Thus, by justifying ourselves, we relieve tension for a while, but deprive ourselves of the chances for error-free and successful activity in the future.
How to stop shifting the blame on others and get rid of the habit of making excuses? Instead of looking for arguments to whitewash and defend ourselves, we can master and use the following constructive options for action in situations where we have made a mistake.
How to stop making excuses for your actions? We can honestly explain the reason for the failure. Tell the criticizing accuser the factors that contributed to obtaining a product of this quality. Explain why this situation has arisen. Our task is to take responsibility for what happened and preserve our authority for the future. Instead of making excuses, we should communicate the actions we intend to take.
If it is problematic for us to tell in detail and the reasons for negligence, we can say a simple phrase: "I admit that I was wrong". After that, it is necessary to switch the attention of the interlocutor, making him interested in what specific steps we plan to take.
It must be remembered that there is not always an instant result from actions. It is not always possible to understand at first glance whether the efforts were made in the right direction or not. Very often, a decision that others now interpret as an unfortunate and wrong choice, later brings juicy and abundant fruits. If we are criticized, then instead of excuses, it is necessary to correctly hint that the future will show whether we did the right thing or made a fatal mistake.
How to get rid of the habit of making excuses? Often the cause of failure is banal ignorance and lack of necessary information. Instead of a trivial excuse "I didn't know it", it would be better if we say that we have already studied many authoritative sources of information about this problem and intend to use the information received in the future. That is, we admit that the topic was not worked out enough before, but now the situation has been corrected, and we have all the resources to successfully complete the task.
Another way to avoid the need to make excuses is to prevent such a moment. Everyone has situations in life when, because of our words and actions, unpleasant, undesirable and harmful circumstances arise for others. In order to prevent a showdown and not become criticized, it is necessary to send a warning signal to others. Without waiting for claims, we approach the person, we apologize for the trouble and inconvenience created. We assure you that in the future we will not commit such rash acts.
In conclusion
Let's summarize our meeting. The habit of shifting the blame onto others, the manner of abdicating responsibility for what is happening are extremely negative and harmful phenomena. Blaming others and self-justification lead to a complete halt in personal development. Such phenomena act as conflictogenic factors: they do not meet with the approval of society, provoke criticism, set others in a hostile and aggressive way. The habit of making excuses humiliates us, makes us weak, informs about the immaturity of the individual.
Instead of using the services of an advocate for irresponsibility, we should be responsible for our actions and give others logical, not humiliating arguments about fait accompli. Bearing personal responsibility for our lives, we become the real masters and creators of fate.
To understand why people are afraid of responsibility and dump the burden on other people's shoulders, our
Have you caught yourself making excuses in a conversation with someone? Quite often, when you talk to people, you hear excuses in speech. Justifications for their choice, for their actions, for desires, for words, emotions, feelings ... Yes, what is there, some justify themselves, in general, for their existence. You can, of course, call it an explanation, but here the point is not what they say, but how. It's about intonation and pressure. Excuses are spoken or written out of guilt, defense, protection, a desire to prevent new questions, out of a feeling that you are wrong, that you froze some nonsense, etc.
Not everything they do, even if they consider themselves super-duper conscious and advanced. Not everyone realizes that they begin to make excuses when they talk about something. Even, sometimes, articles or comments on VK are extended excuses, in a way. So let's start with how to start noticing it.
Start asking yourself questions: “Why do I say what I say, write what I write? What kind of reaction do I want to get (really) from the listener by talking or commenting? How do I feel now when I say this? From what feeling am I now speaking or writing? What is my motive? ". Start tracking your emotional states, be aware of your true motives for words, comments, etc. This will give you a lot of information about yourself and your present state of consciousness.
Most often, people hide a lot from themselves, afraid to admit to themselves their true feelings and motives. Justify themselves in their own eyes. Like, it’s because he did this to me, it’s because life is like this now, it’s because I have this, I have that, because I know better, I have this experience, because I’m in the flow and in high vibrations and etc... Therefore, attentiveness to one's feelings leads some to "revelations".
Justified are those who feel deep down wrong, who doubt what they say and do, who feel rejected, bad, dirty, unworthy, ugly, guilty, those who are only denied by everyone, who vitally needs attention, approval, acceptance. , Love. Those who are not ready to take responsibility for their actions and desires. I'm exaggerating, of course, but only lightly.)))
All this can be attributed to. To the fact that in childhood, parents often refused, scolded for work and for no reason, brushed aside someone, did not pay enough attention, compared with someone and not in your favor, blamed them for their failures, etc. But it didn't just happen that way either. It is no coincidence that you had such parents.
You can do long memory digs, search for imprints and do reimprinting, which can help if you find the earliest imprint, the very first painful event in this life of its kind. Or you can use more direct methods. For me, they are more natural.
You can, for example, stop explaining something to yourself altogether. Both to yourself and to others. Here you feel an itch inside, explain something when you are not asked, or urgently tell how it really is - feel, but be silent! Don't say anything! Even to themselves! Just watch what is happening within you. I understand that it will be difficult out of habit, but you will get a very interesting experience.
You can ask yourself questions: “Why is it important for me to justify myself? If I am justified, what becomes available to me? What then can I feel? What will I feel if I don't make excuses?" As always, I will say that it is better for you to answer these questions yourself, it will be more therapeutic. But in order to continue to reveal the topic, I will continue.
Naturally, excuses are needed. And if I am accepted and loved, then I can relax and be myself. Then I can accept myself and love myself. But in reality, this means complete peace and happiness. And not knowing how easy it is to be relaxed, calm, happy, how to feel love and acceptance, how easy it is to be, we begin to make excuses. This is such a roundabout way for the mind to relax and accept itself. After all, in fact, we justify ourselves to ourselves, and not to people.
We cannot know what another person thinks of us, how he perceives us in reality. But we “know everything” about ourselves! We have already drawn a portrait of the kind of self that everyone loves and accepts, with an opinion that counts, that everyone respects and appreciates, that is the smartest of all, the most beautiful, the most loving, the nicest, the most advanced, which is just perfect. And if we do something that contradicts this image, if we have a desire that contradicts this image, then we begin to justify ourselves to ourselves. Or there is another image of yourself, completely opposite. And then even excuses become simple. Everything in life is justified by this image of the unfortunate loser, lonely and abandoned.
But if you honestly look at yourself, then And if something and know what it is? Isn't it an illusion? And so do other people. What difference does it make what a person thinks about me, if what he thinks is just his ideas, which have nothing to do with reality? Is it worth it to adapt to these ideas and even more so to justify them?
We all look at each other through the filters of our concepts and ideas about ourselves and the world. Through intellect, memory, subjective experience, through emotional habits, natural instincts, desires… We do not look directly as it is. And in the same way, we do not see ourselves as we are, we only see ideas, concepts, tendencies, emotions, desires, etc. So is it worth taking this tinsel of the mind so seriously? Is it worth taking yourself so seriously to someone you don't even know?
But that's exactly what we do. It is our serious attitude to our ideas, experience, emotions, our truth that creates so much tension and builds such complex labyrinths in the mind, which we are afraid to destroy. After all, if one brick falls from this slender structure, everything will collapse. Everything will collapse and the ugly truth about ourselves will be revealed. The truth that we are so afraid of. In which we are so afraid to admit to ourselves. And although this is also not a fact, because we do not know ourselves. And in fact it is very good if this structure collapses, but fear is fear.
The truth is that you are not what you want to appear. It is true that you do not love yourself, that you do not accept yourself and condemn yourself, that you are afraid to be left alone, that you are afraid to be helpless. And simply, the truth is that you don't know yourself. You don't know who you are. Usually they are afraid of this, although this truth is very relaxing, relieves a lot of tension. And they are afraid only because they cannot accept it, accept it as it is.
But here is one way - Accept and relax. Stop resisting her and prove to yourself and others the opposite. Acceptance of this reduces the dependence on evaluation, or removes it completely if the acceptance is complete and total. I understand that this is not just possible, but since you have already realized a lot, then why stop. I will not describe the technical side of the issue, this is usually at trainings. But acceptance cannot be avoided.
And if you have calmed down about yourself, then, just, there is an opportunity to simply relax calmly and without expectations to direct attention to yourself. Thus you come to self-enquiry. You start to wonder who you really are.
You can, of course, immediately do atmavichara and not waste time on different practices of acceptance. Know right away who you are. Who makes excuses, who needs it, who is afraid? Realize at once that there is nothing to accept, and there is no one to accept. That everything that you have thought up and piled up in your mind is an illusion that has nothing to do with reality, like the mechanism of the ego/mind itself. But not for everyone this is a quick process (it can even drag on for several years). And although it is instantaneous, like here and now, like instantaneous insight, however, it is not so easy to approach this. Otherwise, you would be surrounded by only conscious and knowledgeable people.
And therefore it is proposed to use both personal practices and self-examination, and meditation in parallel (I am now making a series of videos about this, and there are still many days of the project - I will have time to write about it). In general, use whatever will help you become calmer, happier, more confident, etc. And most importantly, more loving - this is the main criterion.
When you know yourself, excuses naturally disappear from speech as a normal communication pattern. Because you do not need the assessment of others and their disposition towards you. You don't need their permission to be and manifest. You simply are as you are. You are just like everyone else. And this is natural and normal. And everything is exactly the same as it is. There are desires, such as there are. You make some choices, and everyone does it. And it's great! Everything happens as it happens. You lose appreciation for everything that surrounds you and for yourself. And if there is no assessment, no measure, then what needs to be explained then? And to whom? We can explain something, but the internal motive is completely different.
